


Requited Love, Not so Obviously Requited

by TheLadyJ



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Cheating, Gay Sex, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Requited Love, Sneaky Friends, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-04
Updated: 2013-10-04
Packaged: 2017-12-28 10:51:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/991177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLadyJ/pseuds/TheLadyJ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Afraid of himself and everyone around him finding out, Steve rejects Tony, but that's hardly the end of the story. Distraught with the way they ended, Tony falls back into old habits and Steve hides. Their friends, fed up with their behavior, stage a kind of intervention.</p><p>Based on this prompt: http://theladyj.tumblr.com/post/62013200809/throughhollowedeyes-tony-did-you-love-me-or</p><p>We went way deeper though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Requited Love, Not so Obviously Requited

**Author's Note:**

> This story is written in 3 parts. All 3 parts are in this post.

The day had been longer than Natasha had planned. She’d been stuck at work without a way to leave until barely a half an hour ago and was only now opening the door to the apartment she shared with her boyfriend. She and Clint had been together for almost six years now and have been living there together for a little over three of those years. All Tasha wanted to do now was climb into bed with Clint, but once she neared their bedroom door, finding it half open and a pair of underwear she didn’t recognize in the doorway, she knew that wasn’t going to happen.

Coming up to the door, she pushed it open all the way and saw her boyfriend laying in bed with another man. She knew him too. It was Johnny Storm of the Fantastic Four, but not only was part of the special ops team Shield sometimes collaborated with, he was Clint’s ex. She knew that Clint had never really gotten over Johnny and she had even known that over the past few months they had been doing this. And even though she hadn’t expected to walk in on this, she wasn’t shocked to see it. That didn’t stop her heart for sinking in her chest.

She had taken her shoes off before walking up the stairs but had forgotten about them until they slipped from her fingers and fell to the floor at her bare feet, but she didn’t move. The thud however did cause Clint’s eyes to pop open and his head turn toward her. He obviously hadn’t meant to fall asleep like this, with Johnny sprawled out over the top of him, both of them naked as the day they were born. Natasha was frozen and Clint saw the tears swelling up in her eyes.

“Tash...”

Johnny’s head lifted off Clint’s chest and he looked up at Clint before flipping his head in the direction. “Oh, shit.”

“I’ll let you two...” she shook her head, turning away to leave the room, “get cleaned up or something.” She waved her hand and left the room.

She hadn’t expected to walk in on this. She hadn’t ever expected to find the two of them in bed together. They’d always been so careful not to let her even catch on, but she knew. She’d always known what was going on, even if people thought they were keeping things from her. She was like God. She had eyes and ears everywhere. She knew what people were doing even if they didn’t. She was that good.

But right now, she wish she hadn’t been. She also wished she hadn’t walked in on what she had walked in on. It made her sadder than she ever thought it could have made her feel. She knew about them, and knowing about them was a little disheartening, but when you walk in on your boyfriend in bed with the man he’s never fallen out of love with, it was a little too much for you to take, at least for her.

She walked into the den and to the liquor cabinet. Sighing, she poured herself two fingers worth of vodka. This wouldn’t kill the pain, but at least it would possibly numb it enough so she could get through this. She knew it was over between the two of them, and she just had to sit and wait for it to happen. She had to wake up and prepare herself for the coming of the storm. She was going to do her best to remain calm and not completely fly off the handle when her boyfriend and the flyboy came down into the room.

Looking up, she saw the two of them coming down the stairs that looked over the main area of the apartment. They looked as though they’d been caught smoking in the boys’ room at school, but Tasha wasn’t the principal and they weren’t in high school. She knew this was over, but she still couldn’t help the pain that it brought. She loved Clint, but she had known from the start he’d never really love her, not in the way she loved him and definitely not in the way Clint loved Johnny. She didn’t have that love, even if it was something she had always wanted.

Looking up at the two of them approaching her, she shook her head and brought the glass back to her lips. “You know, I’ve decided I don’t want to hear it.” She downed the hard liquid in the glass and coughed roughly after swallowing it. “I’m really happy for you, but I’m not going to stand around discuss something that I’ve known about for the longest time.” Clint’s mouth dropped open, eyes blinking in disbelief. “Yes, Clint. I’ve known. It’s been obvious, but don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”

She put her tumbler down on the table and walked past them, making her way up the stairs and walked into the bedroom that had been hers and Clint’s, but seeing the bed again, all she could see was the third person who’d shared the bed with Clint as well. Shaking it out of her head, she walked to the closet to start her back. She had to leave. She had to get out of there. She needed her best friend. Steve always knew how to make her feel better.

Within minutes, Tasha had her bag packed and she was ready to leave. Slipping her shoes back on, she came down the stairs and found Clint and Johnny nowhere in site. She felt relieved. She didn’t want to have to face them again. Grabbing her purse and keys, she left. She needed Steve right now more than she needed anyone. Pulling her phone from her purse as she waited for the elevator, she sent Steve a quick message that she was coming over before sliding the phone back away and stepping into the elevator when it arrived and the doors opened. It didn’t take that long. They lived in the same building after all.

_____________________________________

Steve heard the knock on his door and set down his pen. He had gotten the text message a few minutes earlier and knew who was at the door. It was not who was at the door that shocked him, it was the fact that she was there at all. He opened the door and saw her bag, his confusion increasing. What could possibly have happened to make her come to him so late in the evening, still dressed in her Shield uniform and everything?

“I need a drink,” was her greeting and Steve sidestepped the door to let Natasha in.

She dropped her bag by the couch and went to the kitchen. Steve closed the door and followed her. He wanted to ask what had happened, but he wasn't sure if he should. He knew Natasha would talk if and when she was ready, not before.

Tasha pulled out a bottle of vodka (she had left out the last time they had spent time together. Steve wasn't much of a drinker). She pulled down one of Steve's tumblers and poured what Steve could tell was more than a shots worth. His eyebrows shot up in shock as she swallowed the amount in one gulp. Natasha slammed the glass back down on the counter and went to pour herself some more. Steve reached her before she could add more to her glass and placed his hand on hers.

"What happened, Tasha?" he asked, concerned.

Natasha laughed, but there was not mirth to it. "Nothing, Steve, what would make you think something happened?"

Steve didn’t say anything, he simply looked at her and waited for her to tell him what was wrong. Natasha was a private person, she didn’t announce her problems, she hardly showed emotion. People that didn’t know her would describe her as ice like and cold, but Steve knew better. He knew Natasha better than almost anyone. She was the first friend he made when he had come back from Iraq. Both of them had seen their share of horrors and together they both overcame it. Steve knew when she was mad, when she was hurt, he could always see through her exterior. He had learned her tells. The same could be said for him though. She knew him just as well.

“What about you, Steven, why are you up? You’re in nice clothing, slacks and a button up, did you have a date?”

Steve looked down at his clothes, he hadn’t had a chance to change before Natasha messaged him. “It was supposed to be, but…” Steve cut himself off, he didn’t really want to talk about it.

Natasha looked over at him, her beautiful green eyes boring holes into Steve’s soul, and sighed. Steve took the glass from her and put it in the sink. It wasn’t that no words were exchanged, it was that they didn’t need to be. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a hug. The pair stayed like that for what felt like a very long time. Steve found comfort in her the way he had never found comfort in anyone.

He could tell her anything, and yet, he had never told her about Tony. He’d never told anyone about Tony, about the relationship they really had. Everyone knew they were best friends, but the true nature of their relationship, Steve couldn’t even tell Natasha, his best friend, anything about.

It wasn’t as though Steve was ashamed of anything he’d done with Tony. Quite the opposite. The moment their relationship changed had been one of the great turning points of his life. But even though that was true, Steve couldn’t do anything about it outside their private moments.

Steve noticed the way Natasha eyed him carefully. He was always doing that, cutting himself off when it came to his personal life. He was more open with her on other things than anyone else, but talk about his love life and he completely shut down on her. It never failed.

He wanted to talk about it, but he just couldn’t find the words. He wasn’t sure anyone would really understand what Tony meant to him, what it all meant to him.

Steve sighed, “So what brings you to my place so late at night?” He hadn’t let go of Natasha, and he had not planned to. He needed her embrace just as much as she needed his.

Natasha buried her face in Steve’s chest and heaved a heavy sigh. “It’s Clint,” she said simply. “I caught him…” she faltered, her words trailing off into nothing.

Steve looked down at the redhead buried in his chest and held her tighter. He didn’t know what was going on with Clint and Natasha, but he’d known there were issues for a while now. The frequency with which he saw Natasha had started to increase lately. He figured it coincided with whatever she had had caught Clint doing… or perhaps whom she had caught him with.

“What did you catch him doing?” Steve wasn’t stupid, this question could go one of two ways and he really hoped it didn’t end with something being thrown at him. Natasha was dangerous on her best days; on her bad days, she was downright deadly. Steve was lucky enough to be one of the few that typically stayed in Nat’s good graces, he hoped he hadn’t just signed his own death warrant.

“Johnny Storm,” Natasha sneered, pulling away from Steve. Steve couldn’t find a single word to express any of the emotions that were going through his head. He felt bad for Natasha, he really did, but at the same time there was this little bubble that had bloomed in his chest, it held a little bit of hope for the situation he was in with Tony.

“Clint and Johnny Storm,” he said slowly, trying to figure out exactly how everything fit together. He didn’t know Johnny all that well. He worked for the air force or NASA or something, flying planes and other things. There was a reason why he was called the flyboy.

“I’ve known about them for awhile,” she said honestly, backing away from Steve so that she could look at him. She was always closed off, but right now she seemed to be more closed off than usual. She didn’t want to talk about this, he could tell, but the words just came out as if she was on autopilot.

“They were actually together before us, not that anyone knew that.” Steve was lost in the idea that Clint, his friend, was with another man. “But things didn’t work out. I don’t know what happened that now it’s suddenly alright, but it is, and things are over between us.”

Steve opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. It was a lot for him to wrap his head around. He’d never expected for anything like that to happen, that he’d ever know about it. Sure, knowing about men being with men wasn’t the issue here. He’d grown up knowing that it happened, but he’d never been so close to the situation before.

“So, now what?” Steve found his voice, it coming out a little choked. “You know you can stay here as long as you’d like.”

Tasha lifted her head, her eyes focusing in on him. “Steve, honey. You’re the sweetest person I know, but there’s no way I’m going to impede on your love life.”

“Love life?” This time his words pretty much did choke him. “I don’t have a love life and you know it.”

“That’s the problem, Steven Rogers, you need someone in your life. You don’t always have to be alone all the time.”

Steve swallowed hard around the lump the lie had formed in his throat. “I won’t be alone forever,” he said, not really at all believing it. He knew what was at stake for him if he admitted everything, what he could lose.

Tasha took a step toward him and he was sure he’d said too much. “What do you mean?” Her eyes washed over him again in his suit and pressed the issue. “Where were you tonight? Spill the details of this hot date!”

Steve decided he could tell her what happened and avoid telling her exactly what happened. “I saw Tony tonight, drunk as a skunk. It completely ruined my night.” He shook his head, the feelings of walking in on Tony the way he had taking him over again.

He knew he was the reason Tony had been drinking, knew that their relationship was at fault but he couldn’t do anything to stop it. He couldn’t come out, he couldn’t admit to the world what he and Tony had. He could hardly admit it to himself.

“But,” Natasha said confused, “Tony drunk is nothing new, why would it ruin your night?” She asked.

It was an innocent enough question, but to Steve it held the trappings of the truth. It was just a landslide waiting to happen. He looked at his friend, the one person he felt he could tell anything to, and opened his mouth, but nothing came out. How could he explain this to her? How, after finding out that her boyfriend of six-ish years had been cheating on her, with a man no less, could he tell her about him and Tony? A relationship he had been hiding for nearly three years, a side of him he’d hidden from everyone he’d ever known, he didn’t know how to say it. He didn’t know how to tell her, the words were there, his brain was screaming; “Tell her,” but he couldn’t do it.

“Steve?” Natasha asked after the silence had stretched too long. “Why would Tony being drunk ruin your night? What does he have to do with the date you had?”

Steve started to answer, to tell her it had nothing to do with his date, but the loud crash from his living room stopped him. “Stay here,” he said, hoping she would actually listen to him.  
_____________________________________

Tony pushed himself off the floor looking up at Steve and giving him a lopsided smile. “There you are!” He brushed off his suit pants, groaning a bit when his back pulled in an odd direction. “I hoped you’d be here.”

“This is my apartment, Tony. What are you doing here?”

“I had to see you, baby, I had to see you.”

Steve’s hand covered his face. “You’re still drunk, Tony.”

“No! No, I’m not!” Tony took a step forward, shutting the door and stumbling a little bit. “Well, not so very much as I was earlier. Jarvis made me a good, strong pot of coffee and I got myself the greasiest burger in town. I’m great!”

“You need to go,Tony.”

“We need to talk, you have to take it back. I need you.”

Steve moved to take a step past him to open the door and Tony reached out, grabbing at his wrist. Steve’s hand jerked back as though the touch of Tony’s skin had burnt him.

“Steve, please. I can’t accept what you said, I just can’t.” Steve kept looking back the way he had entered the room, but it didn’t stop Tony any. He had to have answers now. He had to know if what they had meant anything to him. He had to know now.

“Don’t do this, Tony. Just don’t.” Steve’s voice was soft and pleading.

“I have to know, Steve! I have to know! Did you love me? Ever?” Steve’s face went ashen in front of Tony, but not getting an answer, Tony pressed on. He needed answers now and he couldn’t wait any longer. “DID YOU LOVE ME?”

He was yelling now and he could tell that he was hurting Steve, but Tony had to have his answers. He couldn’t lose Steve, and he was sure that he had earlier. That’s why he was there now, that’s why he was there wanting to do anything he could to make Steve reconsider his decision, the finality in his words from earlier still felt like a dagger in his heart.

“Tony, I...”

Tony flinched when he saw someone come into the room behind Steve, scared that Steve had sought comfort in another after their blow up earlier, when he saw who it was coming up beside Steve, he retreated a little into himself, though only for a moment. He hadn’t meant for anyone to hear his outburst, but if he was honest with himself, he was glad that someone was there, someone who was a friend to both of them, and someone who Steve would never lie to, he knew Steve would have to tell him the truth.

“What the hell is going on in here?” Natasha’s voice almost overpowered Tony’s, but not quite.

“Tony, don’t! Don’t!” Steve shouted, finally finding his voice. Of course Steve found it then, when faced with possibility that someone would find out about them.

Tony’s heart was aching. He’d sworn he’d never tell anyone about the two of them, but he was on the brink of losing him and he couldn’t risk that. If he was going to keep him, he had to get Steve to admit he was in love with him. If he said he wasn’t in love with him with Steve’s best friend there to hear him, he’d know that Steve was never in love with him and he’d know the two of them wouldn’t ever be together as he wanted.

“Do -- you -- love -- me?”

Steve’s eyes closed and he hung his head. “N...No, Tony. I don’t love you.”

Tony felt the dagger twist in his heart and he felt as though he’d wanted to die, he’d never felt more pain in his entire life. He never wanted to take another breath of air again, it wasn’t worth it anymore. Hanging his own head, he closed his eyes tightly around the tears threatening to fall from them, spilling his emotions all over the place. It wasn’t as though they hadn’t already blanketed this room, but he was done, he wasn’t going to subject any of them to this pain any longer.

“I’ll go now...”

“Tony, I--” Tony lifted his head hopefully, but that hope was only momentarily felt before it was squashed by the look on Steve’s face. “I don’t ever want to see you again, Tony.”

Tony felt his heart stop with those words, sure it had literally stopped. He felt the tears sting at his eyes. After everything they had had together, it had all meant nothing. He couldn’t believe that Steve had actually used him for sex, that was completely a Tony move, not a Steve move. Steve was better than that. Steve was perfect in Tony’s eyes, but after everything, Steve had taken a page out of his book and used him just the way Tony had used everyone else in his life. He never knew until this moment how everyone he’d ever known must have felt when he’d used them.The pain was more than Tony could bear.

“Alright... I’ll go...” Tony nodded his head, he needed to get out of there, destroy himself even more than he had been doing lately. He was ready to let the alcohol drag him down into the depths he’d never been in before. “Good night.”

Tony turned, opening the door and left without even looking back.He couldn’t look back, it would be like him looking back at the past that had never really been between the two of them, a vague visage of what he wanted to have but never really did.

____________________________________

Steve watched silently as Tony walked out of his apartment, the sound of the door slamming shut rang in his ears and he fell. His legs couldn’t hold him anymore, he couldn’t fight the weight of what he had just done. The tears fell before Steve could stop them. He couldn’t believe he had lied so horribly to the one person that had always accepted him for who he was. Tony had never judged him. He’d never made Steve feel like he was anything other than a human being deserving of friendship and love and he had just kicked all of that back in his face. All because Steve couldn’t admit, even to himself, that he was gay, that he loved Tony. Steve didn’t know how to say it and now he’d lost the opportunity and there was nothing left for him.

He could have accepted a life in the closet, why couldn’t Tony? Why did he have to push him, why now? Steve couldn’t see through the tears, he felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest.

Natasha's arms wrapped around Steve and he nearly jerked out of her embrace. He’d forgotten she was there. He wanted to wipe the tears away, pretend that what just happened didn’t hurt, put on the brave face, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Not after what Tasha had just witnessed. He knew he couldn’t lie to her, he wouldn’t be able to pretend that what just happened hadn’t been the breaking point to Steve’s sad and pathetic life.

“Come on, Steve,” Natasha said, grabbing him under the arms and lifting him up. Her strength amazed him, even as he broke down again. “Up you get.” Natasha pulled Steve until he was fully standing.

Steve wiped his eyes wishing the tears would stop, but he was fighting a losing battle. He let himself be dragged into his room and sat down on his bed. He couldn’t think right. He just kept seeing Tony’s face. The hurt, the pain, the realization that everything had been a lie. But it wasn’t a lie! All of it was real, all of it. Steve was an idiot for everything he’d done. He was an idiot for giving in to his desires years ago, he was an idiot for not accepting himself for who he was, but above everything, he was a goddamned fool for hurting Tony the way he had.

“I’m the worst person in the world,” he said to room. It didn’t matter that Natasha was there to hear his confession.

“No, you’re not.” Natasha said, her thumb brushing across his face, taking the tears away from his skin.

“I hurt him,” Steve whispered, “I did that. Me. Did you see the look on his face?” He couldn’t believe he had been so stupid.

“Did you hurt him with the truth? Or were you lying, Steve?” Natasha asked removing Steve’s shoes.

Steve looked at her, more tears flowing freely and shook his head. He couldn’t say it, he couldn’t tell her that he had lied to Tony, but Natasha knew. It was who she was, she could always see through Steve.

“Why did you lie?”

He shook his head, he couldn’t find the words to explain, he couldn’t find the emotions to express what he was feeling. He was shutting down. He felt like the world was collapsing in on him and he couldn’t breath. He stood suddenly and raced the bathroom, the desire to puke taking over. Steve made it to the toilet before the bit of food and alcohol he had consumed before both Natasha and Tony had showed was removed from his stomach. He sat on the floor of his bathroom heaving into the toilet, nothing coming out. Only the emotions of disgust and despair to keep him company. Steve felt wrecked, like the whole world had conspired to cause all this pain. He had been so close to happy, he had thought maybe Tony could accept him for who he was, but he’d been wrong.

When he’d gone to Tony’s that evening for their date, he was going to tell Tony the truth, he wanted to tell Tony he loved him. But finding him drunk at five in the evening, seeing the bottles that littered the floor and seeing a random woman passed out on the couch next to him, Steve couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t let himself be hurt the way he’d seen Tony hurt other people. He wasn’t ready to admit to anyone that he was in love with Tony and he never would be.

He’d never set out to hurt Tony though. He hadn’t expected Tony to follow him, to come after him and make him, or try to make him, admit his feelings. It wasn’t something Tony did. He didn’t go after people, he let them leave. Why was Steve different? Why did Steve have to be the one Tony came after?

Natasha was at the door when the retching had stopped. “I think you need sleep,” she said, trying to pull Steve up again. Steve went willingly this time.

______________________________________

Natasha stood at the edge of the bed watching Steve fall apart in his pillow. Her heart completely breaking for him. In the face of what he suddenly found himself going through, her issues with her… Clint and Johnny seemed petty and tiny.

She hadn’t expected any of what had happened that night to happen. There was no way, in all her ways of knowing all things, she could have planned for and expected everything that had gone down. She didn’t know Steve was gay, he’d hid that really well. Not that she cared, she simply hurt for her friend.

Steve was strong, he was always someone that put others first, she’d never seen him hurt this bad. She couldn’t even remember ever really seeing Steve cry. It just didn’t happen. Steve was the pillar for his friends, he was the one that held everyone else when they fell. She never thought he would be the one to fall.

“Tasha...” Steve’s utterance of her name came out broken, causing Tasha to crumble for him. He was in pain, more pain than she’d ever seen him in and it hurt her to see him reduced to this.

Coming around the bed to stand beside him, she looked down at him as his gaze rose to meet hers. He didn’t say anything else, but she knew what he needed. He needed comfort, he needed the pain to be taken away from him, but she didn’t know how to do that. She didn’t know how to make him feel better or take his pain away, but she was going to do everything she could to alleviate that pain.

She sat down on the bed and Steve turned around, allowing her to lay down on the bed behind him. Curling up her body behind his, she slid her hand around his chest and held him gently to her. She leaned forward, letting her lips press softly to the back of his neck, whispering there, “It’s going to be alright, Steve. Everything’s going to be alright. I promise you.”

She didn’t know how it would be, but she believed it was going to be, it had to be, for Steve. She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead there where she had kissed, resting there. She just wanted to whisk them both away from here, as unrealistic as it was, but she needed to figure out something. She needed to do something to take away his pain, make things better for the both of them. But right now, all she could do was hold him, it was the only thing she knew that could help him right now.

Natasha heard Steve’s sobs lessen; before long they subsided to a gentle whimper. Somehow, those noises were far more painful for her than the full out sobbing. She pulled him more against her and hushed him softly. The whimpering died down and Natasha knew he had fallen asleep. Her embrace had helped him calm down enough for him to be able to sleep, which made her feel better, helping her be able to drift off as well.

__________________________________________

Clint watched silently from the hallway as Natasha left their apartment, her bags packed. He knew it was over between them, it had been for a while now, he’d just been too much of a coward to admit it.

“Where will she go?” Johnny asked, his arms wrapping around Clint’s bare waist.

“Steve.” Clint didn’t even need to think about it, he knew Natasha as well as she knew herself. She would go to Steve, the one and only person Natasha ever truly opened up with.

“Should you go after her? Maybe talk to her?” Johnny asked.

Clint considered the idea, he really did. It was just a few floors down, he could catch her, explain things better, make it better. But what would he say? How could he explain to her that he’d cheated on her for more than a year? She had said she’d known but he didn’t know the extent of her knowledge. She knew about him and Johnny’s past, but their future was new and suddenly it was theirs.

“I should go talk to her.” She was probably already at Steve’s though and if there was one person he didn’t want to meet in a dark alley after pissing off Natasha, it was Steve. He bit his lip considering the idea, maybe he could head them off, get to her before she told Steve.

“I’ll go get dressed,” he said, unlatching Johnny’s arms from around his waist. Johnny followed him back up the stairs, not that Clint was shocked.

It didn’t take long for both of them to get dressed and get in the elevator. “You stay out here, I’m in enough hot water, I don’t need Steve coming unhinged on both of us,” Clint said to Johnny as he stepped off the elevator. Walking down the hall to Steve’s door, he felt like he was signing his death warrant. He was heading into the belly of a beast and he wasn’t going to be coming out alive, but it didn’t matter, because he needed to know that Tasha was ok. He needed to make sure that he hadn’t… He didn’t know, he just needed to know she would be ok.

Clint raised his hand to the door and stopped suddenly hearing shouting on the other side of the door. It wasn’t Steve that was yelling though, and it sure as hell wasn’t Natasha. Clint listened quietly as the yelling continued. He knew that voice, but he couldn’t place it.

“DID YOU LOVE ME?” Clint’s eyes went wide at the question that was shouted. He hadn’t known Steve was seeing anyone, but the voice was a man’s not a woman’s.

“What the hell is going on in here?”

“Tony, don’t! Don’t!” Steve’s voice broke through the other voices.

Clint stepped back from the door eyes wide from shock. Too much was happening too much was changing. Before he had a chance to get out of the way, the door burst open, and he was knocked down by something hard. He looked up to find Tony, a man he had been friends with for years, standing there looking as broken as Clint had ever seen.

“Clint?” Tony said quietly, looking down at Clint who still hadn’t had a chance to stand up. “God, I’m… “ Tony stopped talking and wiped his face. “How much did you hear?” he asked, the tears hadn’t yet dried, the marks had stained his face.

Clint stood up brushing himself off, and looked at Tony. For the first time in a long time he really stopped to look at the man he had called a friend for so long. Clint, with his eyes so sharp and hone to people and the world around him, had missed the relationship between Steve and Tony. Just like he had missed Natasha knowing about him and Johnny.

“Enough, I heard enough,” Clint said looking at Tony. He was still trying to figure out how he missed the relationship. “How long?” he asked, wanting to know how long he had been out of the loop.

“How long what?” Tony asked.

“Don’t play dumb, Tony. How long were you and Steve together?” The fight Clint heard was the ultimate in breakups. It was something he would have expected from him and Natasha, not Steve. Steve was silent and calm, even though he had a temper, he rarely showed it. Tony though, that was a different subject. For all the numerous bed partners he’d never seen Steve have, Tony had five. Tony had a new partner every day of the week. He was known for humping and dumping, but the fight he had heard between Steve and him, that’s not what that was.

Tony looked at Clint, his mouth hanging open. “Three years.”

Clint blinked, stunned into silence. Three years. “Three years!” Clint nearly shouted. “You’ve been in a relationship with Rogers for three years and no one knew, all this time? All the girls you’ve taken home? All the drunken parties you’ve had and you were with Steve the whole time.” Clint couldn’t believe it. It was like a bad dream. Whatever had happened in that apartment, whatever had sent Tony out of there the way he had… It wasn’t good.

“I really don’t want to talk about this, Clint, I’m having a really bad day and your girlfriend is blocking my way to my boyfriend.”

“Pretty sure he’s not your boyfriend anymore,” Clint said, not thinking and taking a fist to the jaw. “GOD! FUCK, Tony! That hurt!” Clint yelped and spat a mouthful of blood on the floor.

“You’re damn right it hurt. Now get that girlfriend of yours out of Steve’s apartment so I can talk to him.”

“No can do, right swing, she’s not my girl anymore. I came down to talk to her, but now… Nope.” Clint spun on his heels to head back down to where Johnny was waiting for him. There was no way he was knocking on that door now. There wasn’t enough money in the world that could make him walk into that apartment now. Steve as a big dude, not someone you want to take in a fight, but paired with Nat, Clint knew no one would get to either of them. “If you want to talk about it though,” Clint said, turning to look back at his friend, “Johnny and I have booze.”

_________________________________________

Tony stood in the hall, confused as he watched Clint walk away from him. What just happened here? he questioned himself. Looking back at Steve’s door, he swallowed hard. It was over, it was time that he realized that. Then again, it was over before it even began. Steve couldn’t admit who he was, and he never would. He would live his entire life in the closet despite what he and Tony had shared.

Sighing, he turned to see Clint standing by the elevator with a guy that looked oddly familiar. Tony started to walk toward the two men and Tony realized who it was. Tony and Reed Richards had known each other since MIT and Reed was with Susan Storm. The man standing intimately close to Clint was Sue’s younger brother, Johnny Storm, internationally-known flyboy and as big of a player as Tony had been.

As Tony neared the two of them, he was taken aback. He had to stop and literally stare for a moment. Yeah, he had seen Johnny Storm before, he knew what the kid looked like, but in Tony’s drink-induced haze he looked an awful lot like... “Steve...” Tony had said his lover’s name, squinting at the boy in front of him.

Clint and Johnny gave each other a very concerned look before stepping aside for Tony to walk into the elevator. “Come on, old man,” Johnny said, smiling at Clint. Clint gave him a nod and they followed a solemn Tony into the elevator.

Tony looked at the two of them standing with him in the elevator as they rode up the two flights, unable to put his finger on how weird things were right now. Arching an eyebrow, Tony slowly started piecing the puzzle together. “So, you two...” He let his shoulders shrug slightly. “Is that why you said Natasha wasn’t your girlfriend any more? Is this why?”

Clint nodded, reaching down and lacing his hand with Johnny’s. Tony nodded. He could accept that, but he still had questions. One question in particular was screaming from inside his head to be asked. “How is it you’re not dead? I know I wouldn’t want to piss her off, especially not with,” he pointed toward the two of them, “this.”

The elevator door opened to allow it’s occupants out. “Things aren’t that cut and dry, Tony, as I’m sure you will agree.” Tony eyed Clint. Even though he had wanted his relationship with Steve out in the open, it seemed weird and now two people knew (well, and Natasha). He was sure Johnny had heard the fight from all the way down the hall at the elevator, but it was still awkward for people to know when just a few hours ago, no one had known.

Tony followed the other two into the apartment Clint shared with Tasha, but he wasn’t sure how much longer it would be where the two of them lived. He was pretty sure, even without knowing the details, Natasha wouldn’t be spending the night here any longer.

“Scotch?”

Tony shook his head and sat in the plush seat perpendicular to the couch. “Vodka.” He knew they had it. It was Natasha’s drink of choice, being from Russia.

“So,” Johnny spoke from where he had sat down on the couch beside him. “You and the captain?” Tony glared at Johnny without reserve who held his hands up in surrender. “What? You were kinda loud. The whole building probably heard you.”

Tony sighed, dropping his head. He knew Johnny was probably right, but it didn’t matter anymore. He and Steve were over. He laid his head back against the seat, looking over at Johnny when Clint handed him the drink. “What about you two? How long have you...?”

“A little more than a year,” Johnny offered, not having to keep it hidden any longer.

“But it wasn’t always like this...” Tony looked over at the two of them. Maybe listening to someone else’s sob story would make him feel better. Although, he was sure Natasha’s would have been better than Clint and Johnny’s, but she would never open up to him like she did Steve. He wasn’t jealous of Steve. Hell no, it was the other way around. He was jealous of Natasha and how close she and Steve were, but you’d never hear him admit it.

“Johnny and I met back in Budapest and we were together secretly for quite a while before ...” Clint shrugged his shoulders. “Well, it just didn’t work.”

“But neither of us have to worry about that anymore,” Johnny added, taking Clint’s hand again.

Clint covered Johnny’s hand with his own and frowned over at Tony. “I’m sorry, Tony. If you want to tell us what’s going on between you and Steve, we’re here to listen.”

Tony had never told anyone about him and Steve, not even Pepper, but now that three people knew, he at least could tell the two of them he was sitting with. Sighing, he leaned forward, his eyes fixed on the clear liquid in the glass. “Something was different from the moment I met Steve. Yeah, I’d been with guys here and there before him, but I had never considered anything serious with any of them. I never considered anything serious with anybody. You know me!”

And they did. Even if Johnny didn’t know him that well, he knew his reputation, it preceded Tony wherever he went. Tony looked up at the two of them, shaking his head. “You know, this really isn’t that easy. Never mind what I’m telling you, I’m looking at you right now,” he spoke directly at Johnny, “and all I can see is Steve.” He looked over at Clint. “Tell me you can’t see it!”

Clint looked over at his lover and squinted, trying to see what Tony was saying before looking back at Tony. “Maybe I need to catch up to you and how many drinks you’ve had first.”

Tony slapped his palm to his forehead. “I’m in love with him, for fuck’s sake!”

“Yeah, we heard,” Johnny jibed, a hint of laughter in his voice.

Tony glared at the flyboy shaking his head. “I don’t think I like you.”

Johnny didn’t hold back his laughter anymore. “That’s totally cool. Because I think you’re a pretty big douche.” He smirked at him and Tony about leaped out of the chair at the kid.

“Whoa! Whoa!” Clint said, moving to intercept Tony. “Why don’t you go upstairs and sleep it off?”

Tony didn’t want to go home, aside from Steve’s apartment downstairs, that was the last place Tony had seen Steve, plus it was always where the two of them would spend their time together. It was their own special hideaway from the rest of the world. No one could touch them there. The only person who even knew what went on behind those closed doors was Jarvis, Tony’s butler, and he would never tell a living soul what went on in Tony Stark’s life, and Tony and Steve were actually friends before becoming lovers, so if someone ever stopped by unannounced, Steve’s presence wasn’t something they had to explain.

But Tony could use some sleep. He was starting to feel the effects of heavy-laden eyelids and the alcohol doing it’s deed. Setting the glass of unsipped vodka down on the coffee table, he turned to head for the door. “You’re probably right, Clint...” But his words held no conviction. He was defeated, and all he wanted was to crawl into his bed and not wake up... ever.

Saying his goodbyes, he took the elevator up to the last stop, his penthouse. The elevator door opened and Jarvis was right there to assist him as usual. “No luck, sir?” Jarvis’ British drawl lingered in the air around them.

“No,” Tony grumbled, pulling his tie from his shirt and handing it back to Jarvis and starting to unbutton his shirt as he walked toward the stairs to his bedroom. He wished Steve was at the top of them to crawl into bed with, but that would never happen again. That didn’t mean he was going to be alone. He’d be out there right now finding someone to warm his sheets if his head wasn’t swimming right now. He could use a shower, but he’s sure he’d fall asleep in there. That would be fun!

He stepped out of his pants as he walked up the stairs, knowing Jarvis would add it to the rest of the clothes he was wearing, and walked into his room. Jarvis turned on the light and Tony winced. “No light, J. Just bed.”

“Of course, sir. I’ll turn on the Do Not Disturb program.” None of his phones would ring, none of the tech devices would make any noises and the elevator would not come up to this floor. Jarvis usually turned it on whenever Tony needed his rest, but tonight, he definitely needed it.

Tony nodded. “Great.” He crawled into his bed and let his face lie flat in the pillow. With any luck, Tony morbidly mused, this will suffocate me. Jarvis left the room, allowing Tony to sleep and Tony waited for the darkness to take him over.

_________________________________________

Part 2

 

Steve sat at his dining table drinking his coffee and staring out the window. His life wasn’t anything like he had expected it to be. He had been happy, once. He could still remember smiling, laughing, but it felt so long ago. Steve hurt, his whole body hurt. Nothing he did made it better. He had friends, Natasha mostly, but he still had other people in his life who stood by him.

Natasha was the only one who knew exactly what happened, she was the only one who he dared talk to. It had taken him weeks to finally fully open up to her, but she had pried it out of him nonetheless.

Steve hadn’t seen it coming. He hadn’t expected to have issues with Tony’s playboy ways. They’d been friends for years, longer than he’d known most of the people in their building, but it didn’t change the fact that when Steve had found that woman in Tony’s apartment that last day, things went pear shaped. Steve, for all his calm, saw red and lost it. Or perhaps it was the color green he had seen. He wasn’t sure. He knew Tony, knew his ways, and for three years it hadn’t bothered him. He had known Tony was putting on a facade to hide their relationship, but something within their relationship had started to change and Steve had started pulling away because of it.

Everything was his fault. If he could have just ignored the way he felt about his best friend, if he could have pretended to love Peggy the way he had planned, none of this would be happening. Nothing could hurt as much as not having Tony in his life.

Tony had said he would leave, and he had. Steve hadn’t seen or heard from Tony since he had told him he never wanted to see him again. Steve still couldn’t believe he said that. Why he would tell the one person he loved more than life itself that he never wanted to see him again was beyond him. Yet Tony had listened. Steve hadn’t expected him to, but he had.

The months that followed the breakup, if you could call it that, were some of Steve’s worst. He threw himself into work as much as he could, but even that wasn’t enough. He lived in the same building as not just Tony but Natasha and Clint and he worked with Clint more closely than he worked with Nat. It made life awkward and strange.

Clint had tiptoed around him for weeks at work after Natasha and he had split and it had bothered Steve. He wasn’t that horrible a person, he understood the relationship between Nat and Clint had miraculously ended on a better note than anyone could have expected, he couldn’t understand why Clint kept treating him like he was a bomb about to go off.

Steve had cracked and nearly put Clint through a wall after Johnny had showed up for one of their lunch dates. He couldn’t stand Johnny. He was always cracking jokes, running his mouth and worst of all asking about Tony. They all knew Steve and Tony were best friends, and anyone that knew anything could see that suddenly Tony and Steve just weren’t talking. Of course the flyboy would bring attention to it though. No one else asked, no one except Johnny. It should have been Johnny’s head through the wall, but Clint had gotten Johnny out before Steve could get to him.

Steve hadn’t seen Johnny since that day, which was perfectly fine with him.

“You’re so quiet, I didn’t even realize you were still here.” Natasha’s voice broke through Steve’s haze and he looked at her.

“Sorry, just… Thinking,” he said simply. He’d been doing a lot of that lately, it was all he did actually. Think and sulk and stew in his own self pity.

“Yes, well,” Natasha ran her hand across Steve’s shoulder, “try to be a little louder when doing it.” She kissed the top of his head and went to fill up her own cup.

Steve was grateful for Natasha, she had been his sanity following the explosive night with Tony. She never pushed him to talk about it, or to Tony, but he knew she wanted him to.

He’d been considering it for a bit too, even gone up to the top floor of the building a few times, but he didn’t know how. He didn’t know how he’d face him once the elevator doors opened, he didn’t know how to say he was sorry or to admit he was the one that had been wrong. Because he was. He knew who Tony was, he knew Tony wasn’t someone that gave his heart to just anyone and somehow Steve had been the one Tony gave it to, but Steve couldn’t… wouldn’t give it back. It wasn’t that he didn’t love Tony, it was that he hadn’t figured out how to love himself for who he was, what he was.

Steve had grown up in a family that didn’t talk about homosexuality, and when it was brought up, it was talked about as something to be feared, something gross and hurtful. It was eternal damnation of the soul and in a strictly christian upbringing that was not something anyone had been willing to risk. Steve had never learned to embrace his feelings for someone because he’d never been told he was allowed to love men. He was always told it was gross, that it was unnatural and so he considered himself to be gross and unnatural. Tony had showed him a different view. He’d let Steve believe that maybe it wasn’t so gross and abnormal to love a man. Being with Tony hadn’t felt wrong, being with Peggy had.

It didn’t change anything though because Steve had messed it all up anyway. Talking to Clint and Johnny, even Natasha, Steve had started to realize he had been the one that was wrong. His parents, the people who had raised him and taught him right from wrong, had been wrong, but it didn’t change the fact that he’d pushed the only person he’d ever truly loved away. He’d never get Tony back, no matter the amount of begging. Tony didn’t give second chances, he didn’t lay his heart out to be crushed and then willingly do it again. Tony would be guarded, he wouldn’t open up to Steve again. Steve had blown the only chance at love he ever had. Steve had accepted this and he’d let it be, but it was started to be too much for him. He couldn’t focus at work or on his friends, he didn’t want to hear about Natasha and her possible new boyfriend, even if he had been the one to introduce her and Bucky.

Steve watched as Natasha took her cup from the cupboard and poured herself some coffee. She had moved in pretty much the minute she walked through the door the day everything had changed. Steve had gone up with her to her old apartment the day after everything had happened and helped her pack, even if he hadn’t felt like even getting out of bed. The pain and anguish he felt that day wasn’t like anything he had ever felt before and it had made getting out of bed so much more difficult. If he hadn’t had Natasha, he may not have ever gotten up.

She made life easier for him and he just made it more difficult for her. He was an insensitive bastard that only cared about his own problems. She had suffered a loss as well, her heart had been trampled, but still she was the one taking care of him.

Steve stood up from his seat, leaving his cup on the table and went to where Natasha was standing. He wrapped his arms around Natasha and rested his head on top of hers. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. That one statement held everything he wanted to say to her. He was sorry that he had treated her the way he had, brushed her emotions and everything that had happened in her life to the side and focused solely on himself.

“The only thing you need to apologize for is preventing me from getting to my coffee.” Natasha’s normal biting tone was playful and Steve smiled.

“You know I love you, right?” he said, letting her go.

Natasha grabbed her coffee and smiled. “Of course I do, Steve.” Natasha patted him on the cheek and sat down at the table.

“Do you love me too?”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Not even a little bit, Buck.” Steve laughed turning to see Bucky standing in the kitchen doorway. “How did you get in?”

Bucky held up a key and waved it in front of Steve.

“Oh, so now we hand keys out to strays?” Steve smiled. Bucky and he had been buddies in the war and had lost touch, but he’d come back into Steve’s life a year ago and Steve had never been more thankful.

“No, I gave a key to my boyfriend.” Natasha smiled.

Steve sighed, he was happy for Nat and Bucky, even if it hurt to see their happiness.

“Yeah,” Bucky said, poking Steve in the chest, “my girlfriend gave me a key. Now I can keep you from moving in on her.” Bucky laughed and Steve smacked him upside the head.

They fell into a simple morning routine, Steve made breakfast while Bucky gave him hell and Natasha went to get ready for work. When everything was finished, eaten and cleaned, they left. That was the routine they had every day for months, each day the routine got a little easier, each day the reminders of Tony were less and less. Until one day, Steve didn’t think about Tony once. He didn’t think about the scent of his cologne, or the feel of his hair, or the taste of his skin. He didn’t think about the sound of his voice or the way his face crinkled when he laughed. Steve didn’t think about any of that.

But sometimes, good things end, and not thinking about Tony was as good as Steve could hope for.

Steve was just coming home from work, it had been an ordinary day at Shield, nothing special or particularly bad had happened and Steve was in a pretty good mood. He walked through the front door of their building and pushed the button to call the elevator and waited. It never took very long so when the doors dinged open a few seconds later Steve was relieved.

**  
Tony had parked the Audi in the garage and ran around to help Julie... Jacque? Jocelyn... out of the passengers seat. It didn’t matter what her name was. All that mattered was he was going to try to fuck her. Try being the operative word. It had been months since he’d really been able to follow through. The last person he’d been able to follow through with was .... was Steve. And now, it only seemed when he was alone and allowing himself to think about Steve that he actually was able to get off. When he was with women, he always ended up thinking about Steve, and then the night would be over. He’d even tried bringing random men home, or even fucking them somewhere else, but it couldn’t happen. He didn’t want anyone but Steve and couldn’t get it up for anyone else.

But today was going to be different. He was gonna fuck the shit out of this girl and he was going to like it and he wasn’t going to think about Steve at all. Alright, so he was failing already, but once he got Tessa upstairs (Trista?), he wasn’t going to be thinking about anything other than getting his dick wet and getting off.

Tony should have thought to put the elevator in express mode, taking him straight to his penthouse, but he hadn’t been thinking. He was too busy trying to get his dick to work. His body was pressed up against Noelle’s... no, Chloe’s body. It didn’t matter what the fuck her name was, he was going to fuck her. At least that’s what he was planning before the elevator door opened and all thoughts of doing anything with Britney... Breanna... (oh, who the fuck cares what her name is) went out the window.

Tony’s face turned toward the door to see who had initiated the coitus interruptus and was fully intending to give them a show when all of the color literally drained from his face. Swallowing hard, he pushed away from the girl whose name he didn’t care to remember, not before, and especially not now.

“S...Steve...” Tony choked out, wanting to take a step out to him, to... God, just to touch him, Tony still knew the man who was his lover, who used to be his best friend, better than anybody and the slight movement toward him would make him bolt. Instead, they stood staring at each other, heartache ripping at Tony from the inside.

“I’ll take the next one...” Tony couldn’t pull his eyes from Steve’s as the elevator doors shut, closing him off from the man he still loved. Swallowing hard, he fell back against the wall, wishing it didn’t feel as though the elevator was closing in around him. He couldn’t breathe. He’d not been close enough to talk to Steve in the longest time, every time he saw Steve, he would hide, gripping at his heart, hoping to rip it from his chest and make him stop feeling, but this time they had stood face to face and he hadn’t even been able to say his name.

The girl who seemed oblivious to the moment Tony had shared with Steve pressed her body back against Tony’s. “Where were we?”

Tony wasn’t thinking. He couldn’t even feel the body pressing against his until he heard her voice at his ear. Gripping her shoulders, he pushed her away from him. “This isn’t happening.”

The girl took a step back, disbelief written all over her face. Tony Stark had just turned sex with her down, but he didn’t want her. He hadn’t in the beginning, and even though he thought he could go through with it, he knew he couldn’t. His heart still belonged to another and him only, he couldn’t go through with it because he just didn’t want it. He still wanted Steve, more than he had before, and more than he ever thought he could. He was still in love with him and time didn’t change that.

Sliding his hand into his pocket, he pulled out his wallet and a hundred dollar bill. “Take a cab.” He gave her a quick smile and pushed another button, canceling the ascent to his penthouse and choosing another floor. He had to see someone else. When the elevator stopped, he stepped out, not looking back as he bid her goodbye. “Have a nice day.” He pushed the button to send her back down to the lobby and walked down the hall to Bruce’s apartment.

Knocking on the door, Tony brought his hands to his face, rubbing it coarsely. It had been months since Tony had actually come to see Bruce. They saw each other every day at work, but every time Bruce suggested they do something, Tony would brush him off. He couldn’t go out and have a good time when he was missing Steve as much as he had been, and Bruce being his best friend knew him better than anyone and he would know something was bothering him, something that Tony hadn’t been able to talk about until now. He needed someone to talk to. He knew Steve had Natasha to talk to... and even a part of him wondered if there was something more there than friends and roommates... even with that other guy that’s been hanging out with them... Could he possibly be sleeping with both of them?

His thoughts were cut off by the opening of the door, but the man on the other side was not who Tony had expected to see. “Thor?”

“Stark! Come in, man! Come in!” Thor, dressed only in a pair of tight jeans and white socks, stepped back to let Tony enter.

Tony looked the half naked god up and down. Why in the hell was he walking around in Tony’s best friend’s apartment with no shirt or shoes on? That just wasn’t normal. Then again, Tony had to really stop and think, when had Bruce ever had anyone over to his place, male or female. Maybe Bruce didn’t even like girls. Maybe... Could he and Thor Odinson really be... Then why wouldn’t Tony know that? He was Bruce’s best friend. He was sure they’d told each other everything. If that were true, Tony wouldn’t be coming to Bruce only now when he’d had a relationship with Steve for more than 3 years and never told him.

“Tony?” Bruce’s voice came from the hallway and Tony looked up to see Bruce pulling on a shirt. What the hell was going on here? “What are you...” Bruce looked over at Thor and back to Tony. “What are you doing here?”

“What?” Tony shrugged his shoulders. “Do I have to have a reason to stop by and see my best friend?”

“Not usually, but you haven’t come over in months.”

Tony rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, uh... I’m here now.”

Thor walked over toward Bruce, leaning in to give him a kiss. “I’m going to get a beer.”

Tony’s eyes about popped out of his head. He figured that’s what was going on here, but to see Thor so openly kiss Bruce in front of him sent his head for a tailspin. Once Thor was out of the room Tony walked over to Bruce. “What’s going on here? You and the god?”

Bruce rolled his eyes. Yes, Thor looked like a God, the pinnacle of human greatness, but neither Thor nor Bruce liked Tony calling him that. “He has a name, Tony. It’s Thor. T.H.O.R. Thor! It would be nice if you could call my boyfriend by his name.”

“Boyfriend? When did this happen?”

“I don’t know, Tony! You haven’t really been around the last few months, you kinda missed some very important things in my life!”

“Yeah!” Tony’s eyes bulged from his head as he nodded at the oddity of the situation.

“Thor and I are together now and I’m sorry you weren’t around for me to share that with you when it happened, but you know what, I’m kinda glad you weren’t.” Tony blinked, not believing what Bruce was even saying. “I know you don’t approve--”

“Approve?” Tony cut him off. “If he makes you happy, who am I to be the judge?” Tony could tell he had shocked Bruce by saying that, but it was the truth, he had no right to judge. Bruce was his best friend. He should be happy for him, but he couldn’t help but feel petty, wanting the same for himself.

“Right...” Bruce didn’t say anything else.

“I’ve been a dick lately. I know that. I know that I’ve pushed everyone away, but you don’t know why I’ve done it.” Tony sighed, turning away from Bruce and stopping at a window, looking out over the streets of New York below them. “I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone, but Natasha knows. Clint knows. Even Johnny Fucking Storm knows. And I’ve pushed everyone away, especially the person who matters most, but he doesn’t even want anything to do with me.”

“What are you talking about, Tony?”

Dropping his head, Tony inhaled deeply. “Steve...” He nodded. “We were together. For three years. God, Bruce. I was in love with him. I was honest to God, head over heels, punch drunk in love with him. But he didn’t love me back.” Tony swallowed hard. “He used me, just like I used every woman I’ve ever been with. I was played and I still feel like shit because of it.”

Bruce walked up behind him, his hand softly curling over Tony’s shoulder. “Hey... it’s ok.”

Letting out the shaky breath, Tony turned into Bruce’s embrace, sobbing into his chest. “I loved him, Bruce. I loved him and he didn’t love me.”

Bruce held him in his arms, hugging his best friend tighter to him and Tony just sobbed. He wanted Steve back, just the way things were before, he didn’t care if he didn’t love him. He just wanted things back like they were. He wanted Steve back.

______________________________________

 

Steve watched the elevator doors shut, his body frozen to the spot. He had been doing so well, he hadn’t seen Tony in months, he hadn’t thought about Tony in weeks. It had been nice, to pretend that things were changing, that things were getting better or at least going back to the way they were. But he had been lying to himself. Things weren’t better, at least not for him. Tony sure bounced back fast, not that Steve really expected anything different. He felt like his heart was breaking apart, again. The bottom had dropped out of the floor and Steve was having a hard time finding the will to stay standing.

Why was everything with Tony so painful? Why couldn’t he just walk away from the man, let him live his life the way he was going to live it? Steve knew it meant a series of drunken parties, lots of girls and more hangovers than even Jarvis could fix, but still it hurt, to think about. The answer to the questions was simple though, and it always would be. It was because Steve loved Tony. Steve had told him he didn’t, he had lied because of the woman that had been on the couch that day. He had believed the worst in Tony, assumed that he had found someone new because Steve couldn’t give Tony everything he wanted. He had been right to tell Tony he didn’t love him. He had been right to end it that day, to forget what they had, and how special Tony made him feel.

Tony would always be the same person he’d always been. Steve had known that the day they got intimate and it hadn’t changed in the three years they were together. Tony was a playboy, a different girl everyday of the week and sometimes a different guy. Steve wasn’t a fool, he had never expected Tony to change his ways, but he had hoped. His hopes had been in vain though, just as Tony’s hopes for him had been. They had been too different and yet both equally the same, they could not possibly coexist as a couple. Steve had slowly gotten over his issues with his gender choices, but what he couldn’t get over was the woman Tony had been wrapped around.

The elevator opened and Steve tried to will himself forward, to get in, make it to his apartment, at least if he made it in the door, no one would see him fall apart so completely. But he couldn’t do it.

A woman, the woman, stormed out of the elevator. “Goddamn Stark, throws hundred dollar bills as if they’re pennies, tell me to take a cab. No wonder he’s not getting any, if thats the way he treats the girls he takes home. Jackass probably can’t even get it up. All talk and no action…” The woman collided with Steve as she walked passed. “Excuse you!” she shouted and walked out of the building, the front door slamming shut. Steve was stunned, a bloom of hope flaring inside him. Tony had sent her home, the fact that she had come down as soon as she had meant they hadn’t even reached the penthouse. Steve knew the length of time it took to get from the lobby to the penthouse and that hadn’t been even close to enough time.

If what the woman said was true, Tony was having issues in the performing department, which Steve had to admit, didn’t sound at all like Tony. Steve shouldn’t cling to that bit of knowledge the way he was, but he was. He shouldn’t stop to hope that maybe he had been wrong about Tony and about what they were to each other. He had been the one that wronged Tony, not the other way around. He was the one that walked out. He was the one that lied and deceived and he was the one that forced a man like Tony into a closet. He was the one to blame in all of this. If nothing else, he owed Tony an apology. The problem was, how did he even go about apologizing?

“You going to get in that elevator or just stand there looking like your ass fell off?” Steve turned around to see Johnny standing there, a smirk on his face.

“I really dislike you.” Steve said but walked into the elevator nonetheless.

“Your boyfriend said the same thing. I’m sorry, he’s not your boyfriend anymore, is he?”

Steve froze, his hand halfway to the button for his floor.

“Hit a nerve, I see.”

Steve’s fist clenched, the desire to plant it in Johnny’s nose was one he was trying really hard to ignore.

“What I don’t get…” Johnny said, ignoring the probability of imminent death, “is why the two of you even broke up. You love him, Jesus Christ that’s painfully obvious, and he, for reasons, I have yet to figure out, loves you too.” Johnny smirked at Steve as if he was simply putting one plus one together to make two.

“You clearly have no idea what you’re talking about.” Steve said through gritted teeth.

“No see, that’s the thing. I know exactly what I’m talking about.” Johnny stepped closer. “I’ll let you in on a little secret,” he whispered, “I’ve seen it all.” He raised his voice a little, “The late nights sneaking out of his penthouse, the fight in your apartment. I saw it all.” Johnny leaned back on the railing. “Of course I saw it all, I was doing the same thing with Clint. Only, I was better at it. So, Steve,” Johnny said as the door opened on Steve’s floor. “The real question is, what are you going to do to fix this? Because this, all of it, is your fault.” The doors slid shut and Steve was alone in the hallway, Johnny’s words ringing in his ears.

 

____________________________________

After Johnny had come home (he had more or less moved in with Clint now that they didn’t have to hide their relationship), he told Clint about his run in with Steve and his mopey ass in the elevator. Clint was sick and tired of all their bullshit, Johnny was too, so they decided it was time to do something about it.

Clint headed down to see Natasha. Things weren’t as painful between the two of them as they had been in the time just after she’d found him in bed with Johnny, and they were now actually able to be in a room alone together without Natasha wanting to tear his head off. He wasn’t quaking in his boots every time he came around her. They were actually in a good place.

The door opened after he’d knocked a few moments ago and he came face to face with the new guy. “Uh, hi... Is Tasha here?”

The new guy gave Clint a once over, obviously making sure he wasn’t here to cause problems, before stepping back and calling back to Tasha. “Tasha, Barton is here.”

Why did that sound so condescending? Clint wondered, but didn’t dwell on it, smiling when he saw Tasha come to the door. “Tasha! Hey!”

“Clint...” She gave him a lopsided smile, wrapping her arm around her new boyfriend’s waist. “What are you... doing here?”

“I need your help. Not for me.” He sighed, eyeing the two of them for only a moment before proceeding. “We’ve got to do something about Rogers and Stark.”

Natasha looked up at her boyfriend, giving him a smile that used to be reserved for Clint-- actually, if he thought about it, he couldn’t remember her ever looking at him the way she was looking at this guy.

She looked over her shoulder before pulling the new guy out into the hall with her and shutting the door. Clint should probably try and find out the new guys name but it really didn’t matter. “Steve’s home, sorry.”

“Yeah, and he looked like someone kicked his puppy.” The new guy said, shaking his head.

“I’m sorry,” Clint said, not really sorry, “but who the fuck are you anyway?”

“Clint,” Natasha scolded, “be nice. This is James. He’s a friend of Steve’s from when he was in the army.”

“I was being nice!” Clint said indignantly. Natasha knew him well enough to know when he was being mean, that was not being mean. “Ok, ok, ok,” Clint said, raising his hands in surrender. “He can help. Now what are we going to do about those two? Steve’s been the biggest jerk lately, and Tony…” Clint sighed. Tony was always a jerk, but he typically had more redeeming qualities about him that allowed the jerk aspect to be overlooked. Lately however, the jerk in him was the only redeeming quality.

“Yeah, we know,” James said. “We’ve seen the parade of people coming out of the penthouse.”

Clint shook his head. “Don’t let that fool you, Tony’s in a dry spell, that’s for sure.” He really didn’t want to explain how he knew that.

Natasha raised her eyebrows at Clint’s words. “He’s doing a pretty good job of hiding it, if that’s the truth.”

“Nope, just hiding in general. I’m not sure if he and Steve have even come face to face since….” It wasn’t something he had talked about with Tasha, “since the night we broke up. I came down here to talk to you and got a face full of Tony’s fist.”

James laughed. “I may end up liking Tony, after all.”

Clint glared and Natasha hit James in the chest. “Play nice, or I’ll kick both your asses. What did you have in mind, Clint? How do we fix this?”

___________________________________

 

Thor handed Tony a glass of water and sat on the coffee table beside Bruce, Tony tried to figure out the pair sitting in front of him. He didn’t even know that Bruce had been lusting after the God, and from the looks of it, this wasn’t something that had just happened between the two of them. They looked comfortable, as if they’d been together for a while, even if the physical part may be new between the two of them because Tony didn’t have any inkling of the two of them being together a few months back.

Swallowing the water Thor had brought and silently cursed him. He could have a beer, but Tony couldn’t? Fuck that shit. He’d just go home later and pass out wasted like he did every night, every night that he didn’t have Steve in his arms, and that was every night for the rest of his life. He was sure he’d probably die of alcohol poisoning or liver disease, something would kill him sooner than later and he honestly didn’t mind the thought of that. He’d resigned himself to the fact that he was going to die alone and miserable, and it was even more painfully obvious after loving and losing Steve.

Shaking the thought from his head, he focused on what was in front of him. Bruce and Thor. “So, uh... who’s top and who’s bottom?” Bruce shifted slightly beside Thor. “Because, I’m guessing you like it in the rump.” He smirked at Bruce. “Don’t get your panties in a bunch, honeybuns, I do too.” He let his shoulders shrug a bit. “I also like to give it too, so, are you like that?” He winked at his best friend.

But Bruce wasn’t about to answer those questions, and Tony knew he wouldn’t. “Why don’t you tell us why you’re so upset? What happened?”

Tony sat back against the couch, sighing and looking up at the ceiling. “Steve.”

“I don’t even know what happened between you two, Tony, how you got to this point” Bruce told him, placing a hand on his knee, letting Tony know he was safe, he could talk about anything.

Tony looked back down at Bruce and sighed before letting it all go on him. He started with how they’d gotten together. Neither of them had expected it. They were friends, really close, but neither expected the time Steve had spent with Tony in his lab at Stark Industries to turn into more than just two friends hanging out. He never would have imagined the way Steve had come onto him, especially knowing the type of man Tony was, but it had been the best day of his life. He was so shocked that Steve had made the first move, but Tony knew he never would because their friendship was more important to him than anything. That was exactly why Tony had never pushed him to come out, not until the end, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want to tell everyone about the two of them, and that’s why he had begun drinking more and more. He had to drown himself.

Bruce gave his knee a gentle squeeze and tony closed his eyes, trapping the tears there. “I’m so sorry, Tony, I--”

Tony flinched hearing the knock at the door. “I’ll get it,” Thor spoke silently, moving to answer the door. Tony had forgotten he was even there, which was odd, considering how huge he was.

“I should probably get going.”

Tony moved to get up and Bruce pushed him back down. “You just sit, Tony. Thor will tell them to come back.”

Tony sighed, looking over to the door where Thor was standing talking to Barton. Every time he saw Barton, he was reminded of that night. Not that he needed a reminder right now, not after his encounter with Steve at the elevator, it was all just too much.

Thor left Barton at the door who was avoiding eye contact with Tony like it was the plague and Tony narrowed his eyes on him, trying to figure out what was going on. “Clint needs to speak with you, Bruce,” Thor told Bruce silently.

“What’s going on?” Tony needed to know. Fuck curiosity killing the cat, Tony had to know everything that was going on around him.

“I don’t know.” Tony could tell Thor was lying and he glared him down. Thor just lifted his hands up in surrender, but obviously not spilling.

Bruce walked over and talked to Barton for a moment quietly before nodding and telling him he’d “get right on it.” Shutting the door, Bruce came back into the room. “I need to make a phone call. Don’t go anywhere.” He looked up to Thor, placing his hand on his chest. “Keep him here?” Bruce asked on a whisper.

“Of course,” Thor agreed, smiling down at Bruce before he left.

“Come on,” Tony leaned forward, “what did birdbrains want?”

Thor simply shook his head. “Sorry, Stark. I’m not telling you. Doesn’t concern you.”

Tony glared at the blond god, mumbling under his breath. A few moments later, Bruce came back into the room, his shoes on, handing Thor his shirt and shoes.

“Time to go.”

“Wait!” Tony stood. “What?”

“Let’s go. Time to eat. I’m hungry. You’re coming with us.”

Bruce started ushering Tony toward the door. “I’m not hungry.” It was a lie, but this was all too fishy to be legit. “Tell me, what did Barton want?”

“Three for one special at my favorite restaurant. Let’s go.”

“Yeah right,” Tony mumbled but allowed Bruce and Thor to take him away anyway.

They did however arrive at Bruce’s favorite restaurant twenty minutes later. Maybe Barton had just shown up to tell him that. But why didn’t he text him? Because this was Bruce who Tony was considering, he rarely checked his phone unless it rang or he realized he had to call someone. In that case, he’d see that he had months worth of unanswered texts waiting for him. Bruce wasn’t the type to text, but that didn’t mean he didn’t know how to. It just wasn’t his thing.

“Under the name of Banner,” Bruce told the hostess when she asked if they had a reservation.

Looking over the schedule, she found the name and nodded, picking up a few more menus. “Would you like to wait for the rest of your party or would you like me to seat you?”

“You can seat us.” The waitress nodded at Bruce and told them to follow.

Tony placed his hand on Bruce’s back. “Rest of our party?”

Bruce shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know.”

Liar, Tony glowered as the hostess brought them up to a few tables pulled together with eight chairs around. “Don’t know, my ass,” Tony grumbled. “I think I’m just going to go home.” He didn’t want to be out with a bunch of people.

“Just sit down, Tony. Just sit.”

Tony grumbled some more and took a seat. “You’re paying, big guy.”

_________________________________________

Steve had no desire to go out to eat, in fact, the idea of laying in his bed starving to death was much more appealing.

“I really don’t see why we couldn’t just order in. I was perfectly fine in the house,” Steve said, trying his best to get out of the grip Bucky had on his bicep. Even if he could have wiggled away from Bucky, Natasha was behind them and he was pretty sure she was carrying something sharp.

“You were content to cry like a little baby on the floor of your bedroom,” Bucky snarked out and Clint laughed.

Steve knew Johnny was there too, he hadn’t seen the flyboy since the elevator ride, but where Clint went, Johnny went. The urge to starve to death was masked only by the urge to break Johnny and Clint’s heads together.

Steve wasn’t typically a violent person, but for those two, he’d make an exception.

“Reservation for Banner,” Natasha said to the hostess.

“BANNER!” Steve nearly screeched. “No! NO NO NO. I am not going over there.” Steve pulled free of Bucky’s grip and backed away. He knew what this was. He knew if Banner was around, Tony was too. After the elevator incident, Steve didn’t think he could handle seeing Tony again. The image of him and the random woman had been burned into his brain. It was something he would see every day for the rest of his life. Awake or asleep he would see that image, nothing could take it away from him.

A hand was placed on his lower back as he backed away from Bucky, “Keep backing up, and we’ll see which one of us wins the duel, Steven.” Natasha’s voice was soft and quiet but held as much venom as Steve had ever heard. He froze the second the words registered with him. “Good boy,” she said, pushing him forward slightly.

Steve followed the hostess, if more than somewhat reluctantly, to where the rest of their party was. Thor and Bruce were sitting side by side, Tony beside Thor who had his hand resting on Tony’s shoulder, and Steve knew why. Thor didn’t look like he was straining himself but Steve knew he was holding him in the chair. He knew the look in Tony’s eyes was that of someone desperate to run.

Steve understood the look, because he felt the same way. Steve stepped back, willing himself to vanish on the spot, disappear from Tony’s line of sight. He hadn’t spoken a single word to Tony since he’d told him to leave, told him he never wanted to see him again. He had no desire to say anything else to him either. Not after what he’d seen in the elevator. He didn’t care that the nameless floozy had fled moments later without Tony. It didn’t change the fact that he had seen it, the images were there and they couldn’t be unseen.

Steve wanted to scream at his friends. Ha! Friends, what a crock of shit, they weren’t his friends. They were traitors, the whole lot of them. Traitors and Steve hated them all.

Tony made to stand but was pushed back down in his seat. “Get your hands off me he-man. I’m out of here.” He tried to stand again but was forced back down.

“You’re not going anywhere,” Thor stated. He hardly looked like keeping Tony in his seat was even close to difficult. If Steve hadn’t been so angry with his friends, it would have been comical.

“Stop manhandling me, you bimbo!”

“That’s good, Tony,” Tasha said, from Steve’s elbow, “keep digging that hole deeper, maybe Thor will throw your dead body in it after you’ve finished pissing him off.”

Bruce removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Can we just…”

“No, we can not just anything, Bruce, I don’t want to be here.” Tony growled, trying for a third time to get up.

“SIT!” Bruce shouted at Tony. He turned around to look at Steve who instinctively tried to step back again, but collided with not just Tasha this time, but Bucky, Clint and Johnny. “Sit!” he demanded again, pointing to an empty chair beside Tony.

Steve didn’t move, he wasn’t sure his body knew how anymore. Someone pushed him from behind and he slowly moved forward to the seat that Bruce had pointed at.

Thor stepped away from Tony and Natasha replaced him. “Move from those seats before we,” she pointed to their friends, “say it’s ok to do so, and you’ll find out just how deadly I can be. The shit that you two managed to fuck up in the last few months is gettings fixed tonight, or there will be a body count.” Natasha looked right at Tony, “Do I make myself clear?”

Tony nodded but didn’t say anything.

“You fix this, Steven Grant Rogers, this is your mess, you fix this. You fix this, now.” Natasha turned on her heal, grabbed Bucky by the arm and motioned for everyone else to follow.  
_________________________________________

Part 3

Tony sat there beside the man he still loved, the man he would always love, he knew it, and did everything but look at him. Not that he didn’t want to. The pain of sitting there beside him and not looking at him was more painful than it would have been to allow himself to look at him. His heart ached. He knew Steve didn’t love him the way he loved him, but he couldn’t just stop feeling like this. He couldn’t just turn off his feelings, no matter how badly he wanted to. Maybe if he could, he could sit there like Steve was, placid and still, maybe he could, but as it was, he wanted to scream.

How could their friends do this to them? Couldn’t they tell that Steve wanted nothing to do with him? And in spite of how much Tony missed him, he didn’t want to be subjected to this pain. He tried looking over at him, but found himself unable to do it. Sitting beside him was enough, he didn’t have to add to the turmoil by looking at him. His fingers traced the edge of the table over the tablecloth wishing he had a glass of water. No, a bottle of scotch would be so much better, but he was sure Steve would yell at him for that, and he really didn’t want to cause a scene.

They could sit here until the place closed. Tony knew Steve was still pissed about that night a few months ago, he couldn’t blame him. If the situation had been reversed, Tony wouldn’t want to talk to the person who had pushed their trysts into the light either. But Tony didn’t know how much longer he could sit here beside Steve and not say anything. It was tearing a hole at his heart and forcing his mouth to speak. The words just had to be said. He was sure it was going to start a fight, then maybe they would be kicked out and neither the blond bimbo nor the scary psycho chick could keep them there after that.

“Alright! I get it!” Tony finally broke. “I ruined your life! I outed what we did to your best friend and the world as we knew it came crashing cataclysmically! I get it. But if you want me to say I’m sorry--”

“Ruined my life! That night didn’t ruin my life!”

Tony’s eyes widened. “Oh, so it was before that then? Maybe when you fucked my ass the first time? Or maybe the day we met? Are any of those the catastrophic event that ruined your life?”

“See! This is what I can’t stand about you! You’re always so rude! Nobody’s feelings are more important than your own,” Steve spat back at him. “You walk around like you’re this superior being, and you’re...”

“What?” Tony asked when Steve trailed off. “What, Steve? I’m what?”

“Why can’t someone else be more important than you?” His voice all but failed on him.

“You were,” Tony choked out, breathing deeply.

“Then why did you turn into worse of a jerk than you already were? What changed that I wasn’t enough, and you were hell bent on telling the world about us?” Steve was speaking silently, he still couldn’t be that publically open about himself. He wasn’t sure if he ever could be, and if he wasn’t with Tony, he knew he never could be.

“I’m a jerk when I drink, ok? I know that. When things get to be too much for me, I turn to the hard stuff, the harder the better.”

“Being in love with me was too much for you?” Steve slowly turned more toward him.

“No! Not having your love in return was too much for me, Steve! Yeah, it was a bitch realizing I was in love with you! I was a playboy, I liked that life, the way things were before you. But I changed when you and I got together! Life wasn’t just about self gratification anymore. It was about you and making you happy, and when I realized I was in love with you, it just made it that much harder because I knew you could never love me in return, we could never have what everyone else has.”

“Doesn’t mean I didn’t want it...” Steve trailed off again.

Tony’s head dropped forward, not sure he’d really heard Steve right. “Didn’t want it? Jesus, every time I even hinted at the idea, you shut down on me!”

“How could you want something like that with me when you couldn’t stop sleeping around? All the other men and women you’ve been with, Tony, I can’t compete with that!”

“Comp--” Tony choked. “Compete? Jesus, Steve! Since the first time, the first time, we were together, since even then, I haven’t been with another woman and you are the only man I’ve ever been with.” Steve stared blankly at Tony, silent. “Even since what we had ended, I couldn’t do it! Fuck, you saw! I even tried today, but everytime I get close, I can’t fucking do it! I can’t do anything but think of you! As much as I hate it because you will never love me back, I still love you!”

Steve looked as though his whole world was breaking down around him. His bottom lip trembled as his head dropped. Tony could never deal with his pain. Steve was the epitome of a perfect man, and to see him crumble the way he did hurt Tony more than he could ever say. He couldn’t sit around and watch. He understood. Steve didn’t like the loss of their friendship, and Tony knew he could never go back to that. He could never be just friends with Steve and he wouldn’t continue to hurt him by staying around.

“I should just leave,” Tony said, moving to stand, but was stopped by Steve’s hand on his wrist. He looked down at Steve, his own tears blurring his eyes. Why couldn’t he just let him go? Did he enjoy seeing him in this much pain? Is that why he had let things deteriorate between them so badly before telling him it was over? Did he enjoy this torture?”

“Don’t go,” Steve whispered, not releasing Tony’s wrist. Slowly Tony sat back down, but Steve didn’t release his hold on Tony. He looked down at his hand on Tony’s and started to caress the back of Tony’s hand with his thumb. Tony closed his eyes, he couldn’t understand what was going on here. Steve’s touch always made him feel things he wasn’t sure he could handle. It had been that way from the beginning. And now, with as confused as he was right now, he definitely couldn’t handle what he was feeling.

“Please don’t do this, Steve,” Tony silently begged. “I can’t be rejected by you all over again. My heart can’t take it. Please just let me go. I’ll never bother you again. I’ll leave. You’ll never have to see me again.” Tony was throwing up the white flag. He was surrendering to Steve. He would move, go back to California. He could focus on his mother’s charity, anything to try to get his mind off Steve. He’d try, he really would, but he’d do it as far away from Steve as he could possibly get. In fact, China didn’t sound too bad.

__________________________________

 

Steve felt like crying, he wanted to get down on his knees and beg Tony for forgiveness. To say he was sorry for everything he had done, all the pain he had caused. It was his fault.

His hand was wrapped around Tony’s wrist, his thumb rubbing soothing circles into the soft skin. Steve didn’t speak, his voice had all but vanished with Tony’s words. He didn’t want Tony to leave, he tried to live his life without him, as if he didn’t exist, and he couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t live knowing that Tony was still in the world. It didn’t matter if Tony was in the apartment on the top floor of their building or hundreds of thousands of miles away, knowing that Tony was still there wasn’t something Steve could live with.

“I… I don’t want that.” Steve said quietly, a tear falling from his eye. Why couldn’t he be like Tony? Why couldn’t he just shout at the top of his lungs, for the whole world to hear, that he loved Tony Stark? Why were those words so hard for him to day?

He let go of Tony’s wrist reluctantly. “But if you want to leave, I understand,” he said softly. He didn’t deserve a chance to explain. He didn’t deserve even a second more of Tony’s time. He’d done his damage, made his bed and everything. The thing was, he didn’t want to lay in it anymore. He’d made a mistake that night, lying to Tony. He made a mistake every single day he denied his feelings for Tony and he was done making mistakes. Tony could reach in and rip Steve’s heart from his chest for all he cared, it still wouldn’t be as painful as living with the lie he had built for himself.

His world was crumbling around him, and he couldn’t save it. There was no point in trying, all he could do was tell the truth and hope for a quick end. Tony would walk away, and Steve would be left to pick up the pieces of his already, even more shattered heart.

“You didn’t ruin my life,” he said as the tears started falling. “Nothing about you ruined my life. I did that all on my own.” Steve didn’t even try to stop the flow of tears, there was no point. He’d been trying so hard to keep it together, for months he had been able to stuff the emotions and the tears down, but he couldn’t do it anymore.

Tony looked up at Steve. “What do you mean, you did it all on your own?” he asked, the fire in his voice had been replaced by confusion.

Steve swallowed, willing the words to work, “I lied.”

“You… About what?” Tony asked, all the air had gone out of him, and Steve was thankful. It would be easier for Steve to get it all out if Tony wasn’t yelling at him.

“About everything. About my feelings, about our relationship, about… everything.” He couldn’t look at Tony, he didn’t want to see the look on his face, to see the realization of what Steve was saying on his face.

“I don’t… What are you saying, Steve?” Tony couldn’t understand what was going on. Steve had lied and Tony was trying to understand about what. He wasn’t typically thick, but when it came to Steve, his normal genius failed him every time.

“I was scared. You know the kind of family I come from.” Steve wiped his eyes, willing the tears to go away. “You know what they believe, what I grew up believing. I was scared. You scared me.” Steve looked up from the spot on the floor that he had been focusing on and stared at Tony. He took a deep breath and and continued. “I lied to you, to myself, because the truth was too much for me to handle. You pushed and I pushed back, but I was wrong. What I said that night… all of it, I was wrong. I thought... I thought you had decided I wasn’t enough. When I went to see you that night, you were… and there was that woman… I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t try and compete with them for you, when I knew I couldn’t give you what you wanted. So I left, told you what I needed to tell you to keep you way. I wanted to give you the chance to find someone better. I never thought you would come after me. When you showed up and Natasha being there… I didn’t know what to do, so I lied.”

“... Let me sort through this,” Tony took a deep breath, blinking, “you lied?” Tony shook his head. Swallowing hard, he whispered through the lump in his throat, “There is no one better than you, baby. I wanted so much with you. There is no one who can compete with you. Nothing happened with that woman or any of the others, there was only you. There is only you!”

Steve didn’t know what to say, how could Tony tell him that, after everything he’d done. “This is all my fault.” Steve said quietly, his heart breaking with each word. He had known it was his fault, but saying it out loud, admitting that he had caused all of this pain, was more than he could have ever expected. “I did this because I couldn’t admit what I was, who I was.” Steve shook his head and looked at the man across from him. He was amazing, Tony was perfect, even with all his faults, there was no one Steve could see himself being with, loving for the rest of his life. He had thought letting Tony go was for the best, but it wasn’t. He had been so wrong about everything. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Tony, I never meant for any of this to happen…”

“I know...” Tony nodded, smiling through the tears in his eyes. “God, I do know!” He hesitated before reaching out and letting his hand wrap around Steve’s. “But you still haven’t said what happens now.”

Steve could have laughed if his tears weren’t so strong. “I don’t know what happens now. I don’t know if we can fix this. I want to, God, Tony, I want to. But how? How can I fix what I did? I wanted you to be able to find someone else, someone that deserved you, because I don’t. You should have someone that can love you and isn’t afraid of their feelings. God, Tony, I’m a coward. I don’t know how to be what you want. I just know that not having you around was worse than death.” Steve wanted to tell him that he loved him, that he couldn’t imagine his life without Tony by his side, but the words wouldn’t come out. He couldn’t say it, he didn’t want Tony to reject him, like he had done. It was no less than he deserved, he knew that, but he was a coward, and he didn’t think his heart could handle that, not just then anyway.

“What do you think I am? I can’t handle shit, I do what I know best, I dive into a bottle.” Tony shrugged. “I don’t want anyone else, Steve. No one has ever made me want things, a future, real love, like I do with you. No one else ever will make me feel these things.”

Steve sighed, “But why? Why me?” Tony could have anyone he wanted, why did he have to pick the emotionally-stunted idiot who couldn’t admit to even himself that he was in love with another man?

“Why you? I never expected to fall in love, but even so, you can’t choose who you fall in love with! But even if I could, I still would have chosen you because you are the realest person I know. No one compares to you.”

“Real, right. I’m a fool. I can’t admit how I feel. I let you walk out of my apartment, I lied to you, I hurt you. I hurt everyone!” It hadn’t just been him and Tony that got hurt in all of this. Both Clint and Johnny had been on the receiving end of Steve’s anger, Clint had a few bruises to prove it and Johnny might have had the indent of a few walls on his forehead if Clint wasn’t so good at getting him out of the way. Even Natasha had suffered, but Steve knew she wouldn’t admit to it.

He had been too wrapped up in his own issues to pay attention to what she was going through. As if his pain and his own break up was more important than hers. He was selfish and a jerk. No wonder his friends had forced the issue. They couldn’t stand being around him anymore. “I don’t know how to make this right, Tony. I don’t know how to go back to before.” I don’t know how to tell you I love you, he could only continue in his head. “Tell me how to make this right, please?”

Tony shook his head. “We don’t go back.” He shrugged his shoulders. “We can’t. Things have been changed, and I don’t think Bruce or Reed have built a time machine yet. I know I haven’t. We just have to take what the past has given us and trek onward.”

Steve hung his head, of course Tony wouldn’t want to fix what he’d broken, Steve had been stupid to think he would. Why would he, honestly. Steve had ruined everything and there was no way to fix it. “I understand,” he said standing, “I’ll just…” He pointed to the exit, hoping his friends wouldn’t try and stop him from leaving. He didn’t think he could handle them forcing him to stay any longer. He wasn’t even sure how much they had heard or witnessed, but he’d done what they wanted. He stayed and he’d talked to Tony, for all the good it had done. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry, Tony.”

“What the--” Tony stood with him, shaking his head. “Where do you think you’re going?” Tony reached out, wrapping his fingers around the back of Steve’s head, pulling him closer to him and bringing their lips together, kissing him deeply, a kiss that would erase the past if it could.

Steve froze for a second before melting into Tony’s body. Steve wrapped his arms around Tony and pulled him close. It’d been so long since he felt his lover’s lips on his, it felt like life was being breathed back into him after being suffocated for so long. He never wanted to let go. He never wanted to stop kissing Tony.

________________________________________

 

Tony held Steve against him, his mouth claiming what was his. If Steve didn’t want Tony walking away from him, there was no way in Hell Tony was going to let Steve just up and walk out of his life. Tony needed Steve in his life, more than anything else, he needed Steve. These last few months had been hell on him. Now knowing they had both been suffering, Tony wasn’t ever going to let that happen again. He was never letting him go this time. He would fight to the death for Steve.

“Come home with me,” Tony whispered against Steve’s lips. There was still so much that needed to be said, so much that each of them needed to hear, but Tony needed him. He needed him in his arms and in his bed and he was never going to leave either.

Nodding his head, Steve let Tony lead the way. But Tony wasn’t going to let him out of his sight or go without touching him. Taking his hand in his, Tony walked with him out of the restaurant. Their traitorous friends were nowhere in sight, but Tony knew that didn’t mean Tasha wasn’t listening in somehow or Barton was watching. That featherhead had eyes everywhere.

Tony hailed a taxi and pulled Steve against him, looking up into his eyes. “I’m never letting you go again. Not for anything.” He reached up and pulled Steve’s head down with his free hand, kissing him deeply. He knew he was being brazenly open about the two of them at the moment, not only holding hands, but kissing in public, right out in the open, but Tony couldn’t help himself.

The cab pulled up and Tony pulled back, looking breathlessly up at him. “God, you’re perfect!” Licking his lips, he pulled Steve into the backseat with him, instructing the cabbie to take them to Stark Tower. Everyone knew where that was, so he didn’t bother with an address. Pulling the door shut, Tony pulled Steve to him, finding it unbearable for his lips to be away from his for even a moment.

He let his hand glide through his hair as his other arm wrapped around Steve’s broad shoulders, gripping at his shirt tightly. Unable to restrain himself, Tony pulled himself onto Steve’s lap, straddling him there and pushing himself down against Steve’s responding dick pressing up through his slacks. Steve’s hips bucked up slightly and a soft moan slipped passed his lips.

Tony groaned, grinding down against him more. He let both of his hands lace through Steve’s hair, pulling him deeper and deeper into the kiss. He groaned into Steve’s mouth, pushing his hips more and more against Steve’s. He wished they were home already. The 15-20 minute drive was going to take forever, and if he wasn’t careful, he was going to have sticky pants by the time they got there.

Sitting back, he looked at Steve, exhaling a little shakily as he looked at the man he loved. There would never be another in the world like Steve, Tony knew it, and he didn’t want there to be. There was nothing that could or would keep them apart from now on, and he was going to make sure of it. Leaning in again, he gently pressed his lips to Steve’s. He knew they had to calm down a little if either of them would be able to hold out until they got home.

The taxi stopped and the driver tapped the ceiling of the car loudly. “Your stop, lovebirds.”

Tony pulled back, breathless, looking around and out the window. Sure enough, they were parked outside Stark Tower. Groaning, he slid off Steve’s lap and opened the door so they could get out. Tony paid the cabbie and led Steve into the building. The elevator door opened as soon as he pushed the button.

Tony’s eyes widened as Steve turned to him and pulled him into his arms, pulling him into the elevator he reached down and gripping at Tony’s ass, lifted him off the ground. Turning them both around, Steve slammed Tony up against the wall. He pulled Tony’s legs to wrap around him, pushing his clothing-covered cock up against Tony through his own jeans. Tony groaned out into Steve’s mouth, pushing his hips back against his, wanting more, Jesus Christ, needing more.

________________________________

Steve leaned back from Tony for a second to press the special button to Tony’s penthouse and returned his attention to the man in front of him. Steve let his hands trail across Tony’s chest feeling the muscles under the shirt. It had been so long since he’d been this close to anyone, but Tony was the only person he ever wanted.

The elevator dinged and the doors opened directly to Tony’s apartment. Steve didn’t notice if Jarvis was there or not, he could care less about who saw them. Holding Tony tightly to him, Steve moved slowly up the well-known stairs to the bedroom door that stood open. Tony unwound his feet from Steve’s waist and slid slowly down the length of him, causing his shirt to come up slightly. Steve caught the hem of the shirt as it started to fall back into place and pulled it smoothly over Tony’s head. Steve’s fingers traced the lines of the muscles that pained the tanned skin and sighed heavily. He missed Tony like he missed breathing. He hadn’t realized just how badly he needed the brunet in front of him. Tony was like life for Steve, and he hadn’t been living the last few months, because he didn’t have Tony.

Tony reached forward in Steve’s moment of contemplation and pulled him in for a deep kiss. Steve’s body surrendered to him. All thoughts stopped and Steve just let himself feel, feel everything that Tony did to him. Tony pulled back from the kiss and tugged at the shirt Steve was wearing. Smiling Steve raised his arms and allowed the shirt to be removed. Tony’s hands gripped firmly at Steve’s chest, nimble fingers traced hard, smooth lines. Tony’s fingers rested on the edge of Steve’s slacks, a look of want and desire filled his eyes as he looked up at Steve.

Steve’s hands moved to Tony’s pants and popped the button open before unzipping the fly and pushing the offending material down as far as he could before Tony wiggled out of it the rest of the way. Smiling, Tony stepped out of his shoes and took a step toward Steve, undoing the clasp of Steve’s pants, not taking his eyes off him. Steve felt a chill run up and down his spine as Tony’s hands slipped beneath the band of his boxers and pulled both of them down, crouching down to the floor with them.

Steve closed his eyes as Tony’s hands slid back up the front of his thighs, causing his cock to lurch upward. He groaned as Tony’s hand slid over the base of his shaft, pushing his hips so his cock filled Tony’s hand better. “T...Tony...” He didn’t open his eyes, he could barely stand there, his legs feeling as though they were turning to mush at Tony’s touch, and when Tony’s mouth covered the tip of his cock, an unintelligible sound escaped from his own mouth.

He didn’t know how long he could stand there and let Tony do this to him. It was incredible. Not that Tony hadn’t ever done this before, but standing here while Tony did this to him now was enough to make him drop to his knees. Instead, Steve reached down and pulled Tony up to him, wrapping his arms around him and leaning down to capture his lips in a heated kiss.

He moved the two of them over to the bed and laid Tony down on the bed. “You want to be on top tonight?” Tony smirked and Steve reached into the nightstand, smirking down at him.

“Yeah, actually, I do.” He poured some of the lubricant on his hand and took his cock in his other hand to reach between his legs. Steve had to almost verbally tell himself not to let his hand start jerking him off when he saw the look on Tony’s face. Sliding two fingers in at once, Steve’s mouth dropped open, his breath staggering a bit.

Tony’s hands slid up over his thighs, and Steve looked down at him. He couldn’t believe he was back here, about to make love to his boyfriend, his lover, his soul mate. It’d been too fucking long. He loved him, God help him he loved Tony. He always would.

Tony reached down onto the bed and picked up the lube Steve had dropped there, pouring out a good amount onto his hand. Steve watched as Tony’s hand wrapped around his cock and started to slowly stroke himself. Steve’s eyes moved up to Tony’s who was looking intently at him. How he could have ever walked away from this, Steve would never know.

“I’m ready,” Steve barely muttered before joining Tony’s hand on his cock and stroking it with him a bit as he pulled his fingers from his ass and moving up to hover above him. His eyes never left Tony’s as he slowly lowered himself onto him. His ass tightened as Tony’s cock filled him. It felt so good to have Tony back where he belonged. He couldn’t believe how different but how it felt the same. It was like home, Tony was his home.

Once Steve was used to the feel of Tony filling him, he started to move on him. He looked down into his eyes as he rode, his cock moving up and down on Tony’s stomach. Tony groaned, reaching down and letting his hand wrap around Steve’s cock, starting to stroke it to the rhythm of Steve riding him.

Steve groaned out, unable to take that. He took Tony’s hand in his and grasped his other hand, pulling both of his hands to grip his hips. He started to move more and more on Tony’s lap and Tony helped him, moving him back and forth with his hands planted on his hips. Tony’s cock continued to brush against Steve’s prostate, bringing him closer and closer to his climax.

He didn’t need any stimulation on his cock, the movement in his ass was enough to bring on his orgasm. Steve gasped out his orgasm, bracing himself on Tony’s arms as his hot, white cum shot out over his lover’s chest up to his chin. Leaning forward, he licked at it there on his chin before pressing his lips hard to Tony’s, drawing out his release deep inside his ass.

Tony’s arms wrapped around Steve, pulling him down to him and deepening their kiss as the spasms shared between the two of them calmed. There was no place else Steve wanted to be and there was no way he was going to mess this up again. He knew their relationship was deeper than this, but there was no way he’d do anything to jeopardize this ever again.

Steve rested his head on Tony’s shoulder breathing deeply, trying to catch his breath. He hadn’t expected to ever be here again. He never expected that Tony would talk to him again let alone… Steve placed a soft kiss over Tony’s heart and sighed. He still hadn’t told him he loved him, still wasn’t sure how, but he knew with every fiber of his being that he was in love with Tony Stark and he couldn’t see that changing, ever. They had been through so much, he had fucked everything up, but Tony had still forgiven him. He would never do anything to lose that trust again. He would work for the rest of his life if he had to to make sure Tony knew how much Steve loved him.

_______________________________________

 

The afternoon had been a blur. Tony still didn’t understand how he’d gone from heading up here with that chick to ending up here with the only person he even wanted to be up here with. Laying there, he had to analyze how much he’d had to drink earlier and figure out if this is a drink-induced coma dream or if he really was holding Steve in his arms. It seemed way too good to be real. But it was. He could feel Steve’s heart beating against his chest. His dreams couldn’t compare to this, and he knew he wasn’t imagining this.

When he had gone down to the restaurant with Bruce and Thor, he wanted to kill them for tricking him like they had. It was a dirty, underhanded trick, but one he would have pulled himself on his friend in need, like Tony so desperately had been. He never would have admitted to anyone how miserable he was. In fact, he’d been staying away from all of their friends on purpose. If he stayed away from them, he didn’t have to worry about running into Steve. But if he knew the night was going to end like this, he wouldn’t have been such an ass about things.

They’d cleaned up and were laying back in bed together, Tony’s arms wrapped tight around him, he wasn’t letting go for anything in the world. Lifting his head up off the pillow, he pressed his lips to Steve’s head gently, inhaling the man into his senses. “You know I’m not letting you go again, right? I’m fighting for us with all my might.” Yes, it was things like that that had pushed him away before, the sap, but Tony meant it. He needed Steve in his life, and he’d do anything to keep him.

“You won’t have to,” Steve spoke against Tony’s chest and Tony was sure he felt Steve’s lips turn up into a smile.

“I’m sorry I pushed before,” Tony whispered. It was a hard thing for Tony to do, apologize, but there wasn’t anything Tony wouldn’t do for Steve. He loved him and he wanted to keep him happy forever. Tony didn’t know how to be anything other than who he was, but knowing Steve had changed him. He had stopped being a womanizing whore and was a man in love, something he was sure could never happen. If he could stop being that, he knew he could do anything for Steve, and that included giving him his time to come around to this.

Tony still couldn’t believe Steve had let him kiss him in public. All the times they’d gone out to dinner before, even when they were alone, they didn’t even talk about that aspect of their relationship. To the world, they were just two best friends out having a meal. Steve wouldn’t even play footsie under the table with him. “What if someone sees?” At first, he’d been fine with their arrangement, but when he knew he fell in love with Steve, he wanted more. That’s when he started flirting a with him a little more in public than he should have.

That’s when the conversations started always turning to Steve coming out. “We could come out together, baby! Everyone in the world could know about us.” He didn’t always choose the best words where Steve was concerned. Tony was a flashy person and he loved showing off, but Steve prefered to stay to himself. He didn’t want to go flaunting what they had all over the place. But after he fell in love, Tony prodded every chance he got.

He wasn’t going to do that anymore though. He was going to let Steve come around to things on his own. He wouldn’t do anything to risk losing him again, even if Steve had just said he wouldn’t, Tony wasn’t risking it. Steve and what they had was too important to do anything to jeopardize that. He would resign himself to living forever in the closet for Steve, just as long as he had him.

____________________________________________

 

Steve lay in Tony’s arms for a long time thinking about things. Eventually Tony’s grip on him loosened and his breathing evened out. He slid out of Tony’s arms and off the bed. There was so much that needed to be thought through, so much that needed to be done where Tony was concerned.

It took losing Tony to make Steve realize what was most important in his life. People knowing about them wasn’t important. Not anymore. The people that mattered to Steve knew anyway, and they hadn’t freaked out, they hadn’t shunned him or shamed him, they hadn’t told him he was gross, unnatural or any of the number of other things he had grown up believing and hearing. He had long ago rejected his family’s way of thinking, but it didn’t stop their poisonous words from holding onto him. Losing Tony, watching him walk out the door, believing that everything was over had been the catalyst, it had been the reason Steve needed to let go of the thoughts and words drilled into his head over and over from his youth.

He had feared who he was for so long, but seeing Clint and Johnny, even Bruce and Thor, he had realized that the friends he had, were no more sick or disgusting than he was, and if the way he was was unnatural, then why did he know so many people like him? Losing Tony showed him that it didn’t matter what the world thought about him, it only mattered what he thought. The hatred he had for himself after letting Tony walk out the door couldn’t be compared to any feeling he’d ever felt about himself before.

He wanted to be happy, and Tony made him happy. He wasn’t going to sacrifice that for anything anymore. He was done fighting with himself and the world. Steve was in love with Tony and that wasn’t going to change. Steve slowly got dressed, he couldn’t sleep, even though he wanted to. He wasn’t sure what exactly he needed to do, or where is was going to go, but he kissed Tony on the head and shut the bedroom door.

Steve was scared to give Tony everything he wanted. He was scared to finally give into all of his desires and get everything he wanted. He didn’t go far, he simply stayed in the stairwell of the building. It was was late enough at night that the people who lived in the building were all asleep, the silence was helpful though. Steve liked the stillness of the world at night. New York was softer at night, when everyone was asleep and it allowed him to just be.

He needed to come clean with Tony, to admit his feelings and see where the future took them, as a team, together. Why were those words so hard to say? Steve could think it all he wanted, he would admit it to himself that he was in love with Tony, but saying it to Tony, that was something totally different.

Steve took a deep breath and let it out before resting his head on his hands. He was so tired of hiding, of fighting with himself. He didn’t want to do it anymore, but he didn’t know how to give in, to give up on the way he was. He didn’t know how change, but he wanted to.

“How do I do this?” he asked the empty stairwell.

“What exactly are you doing?” a voice from behind him asked, making Steve jump.

Turning around, Steve narrowed his eyes. “Go away,” he said simply to the man he had come to dislike.

“It was just a question, Cap. You don’t have to answer it,” Johnny said. “But you know,” he continued, walking closer to Steve, “I do know what it’s like.”

Steve looked over at Johnny, not really sure he wanted to be having this conversation with anyone, let alone Storm, of all people.

“No offense, but I don’t think you know anything about this,” Steve said, a bit harsher than he normally would. Johnny did tend to bring out the snark in Steve.

“I may not know exactly what it’s like,” he said, sitting down next to Steve, “but I know what it’s like to hide and try and deny feelings. Clint and I did it for many years. Though, we stopped because in the military being with another man was court marshallable, it didn’t change our feelings though.”

Steve looked over at Johnny, “Why are you telling me this?” Steve and Johnny weren’t friends, they’d never even pretended to be.

“Because, you’re not the only one that goes through the worry and fear. I did it too.” Johnny laughed, “Clint was the one that pushed me, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be with him and lose my job, so I walked away from him. Sound familiar? At least a little?”

Steve was silent, considering what Johnny had told him. “What changed?” Steve asked finally.

Johnny shrugged. “Me,” he said easily. “I changed. It took me nearly six years to figure it out though. I’m a bit slow, if you can believe that.”

“How did you change? What was it that made you realize that you’d changed?”

“Clint left after we split. He went to Shield and I went to the Fantastic Four. It was easy to forget about him, about us, because he wasn’t around. You remember that mission, the one that I met you on?”

Steve nodded. He and Johnny had joined forces on a undercover mission in the middle east a couple years back, it had been his first mission with Clint too. His part of Shield had merged with Clint’s and they had been saddled as partners in the hopes of interdepartmental relations. Steve and Johnny hadn’t seen eye to eye on much back then and things between them hadn’t changed.

“It was the first time I’d seen Clint since… He was with Natasha. Do you have any idea how painful it was seeing him with her?” he asked, looking at Steve.

The images of the woman in the elevator came back to Steve with blinding clarity, and he understood the pain Johnny was talking about all too well.

“That was all I needed,” he said, “to know that I had changed. To realize that I loved Clint still. I hadn’t seen him in three years, but the feelings hadn’t gone away. I didn’t mean to hurt Nat, I like her, but…”

“But you were selfish and gave into the emotions you’d denied yourself.” There was no judgment in his tone. He had talked to Nat about this a few times. She didn’t hold any ill will towards Clint and Johnny. She had known for a while about the affair. She blamed herself for not being strong enough to end the relationship when she found out. Steve silently blamed all three.

“I am selfish.” Johnny shrugged, not even bothering to apologize for it. “That hasn’t changed. I tried, I really did. But the more The Fantastic Four worked with Shield, the harder it got. Till I gave up. I’m sorry Nat got caught in the middle, but I’m not sorry I got Clint out of it.”

“But how,” Steve asked “how did you overlook the reasons that split you two up in the first place? You didn’t want people to know about the two of you. You worried about repercussions and retaliations, right?”

Johnny nodded, “We both did. But… Not having him around, seeing him with someone else all the time, that was worse. I could live a thousand lives doing the job I always wanted, but what did it all mean if I didn’t have the person I was meant to be with?”

Steve didn’t have an answer for that question, because he’d been asking himself the same thing lately. What would life mean if he didn’t have Tony in it? He’d lived it for only a few months and it had been agony, he was sure now that he couldn’t continue on without having Tony in his life.

“You’re kind of sappy, you know that?” Steve said, earning himself a punch in the arm. Steve chuckled.

“You tell anyone and I’ll deny it till the day I die. Gotta keep up my bad boy image. Don’t want Clint thinking his flyboy has gone soft on him.”

Steve shook his head, “I still don’t know how to do this.”

“You need to stop thinking so much Rogers. It shouldn’t be this hard. You love him right?”

“Yes,” Steve said quietly.

“So you tell him that. Steve, you got yourself into this mess because you couldn’t tell him the truth. You get yourself out of it by being honest. Lying to Tony will never get you anywhere, but more than that, it doesn’t look good on you.”

Steve hated lying, the truth was often much more simple, but when it came to his relationship with Tony, they had fallen so easily into lies and hiding. He didn’t want that anymore. “I don’t understand why those words are so hard for me to say to him.” Steve said honestly.

Johnny laughed, “If it was meant to be easy, it wouldn’t mean near as much as it does.”

Steve sat there on the stairs next to Johnny silent for a long time. He wasn’t sure how, but Johnny had said exactly what he needed to heard. “Thanks,” he said after a while.

Steve let the silence relax him. He stood up. “See you later Johnny, and… Thanks again.” He said moving up the stairs back to Tony’s.

_______________________________________

Tony stood beside Steve. He was beautiful in his blue suit, his red tie. He was beautiful. The words the JP was saying were wafting around the two of them, making the already floating feeling that much more intense, making them feel like they were on cloud nine. Tony couldn’t believe they had actually made it to this point. All the heartache and pain meant nothing now, now that they were standing up in front of all their friends, the people they loved and who loved them in return. They were getting married.

The JP asked Tony to share the vows he’d written for Steve. Tony smiled, swallowing the lump in his throat and taking a deep breath. “I didn’t write anything, because I didn’t want to read what’s in my heart.” Steve hadn’t read his either, so it was perfect for both of them. “Steve... You’re my best friend and I love you. Before I met you, I didn’t know what love was. I’d never spoken the word in my life before I started feeling it for you. I didn’t think it was real, but you showed me what it could be like, and I never want to change any of what’s happened with us. It’s got us where we are, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.

“I love you, Steve. You’re my today, you’re my tomorrow, and you’re everything I will ever want in my life. I know that with you I can be myself and you’ll love me no matter what. I can screw up and you’ll still love me. And I want you to know, no matter whatever happens between the two of us, I will love you tomorrow more than I do today, and years from now I will love you more than the day before. Nothing will ever come between the two of us. You’re everything to me and you always will be.”

Steve’s eyes were filled with tears and he mouthed the words “I love you too.” The JP pronounced the two of them husbands and Tony reached out, pulling Steve’s head down to his, kissing him fully and deeply. They were married now, and there’s nothing anyone could do or say to change that. They would live together, Mr. and Mr. Stark-Rogers, forever in love.

Tony pulled Steve into his arms on the dancefloor, swaying to their song. Lifting his hand to caress his husband’s, smiling up at him. “I love you, Steve. I’m so happy. I couldn’t imagine being happier than I am right now.” Steve smiled, leaning down to press his lips to Tony’s and Tony kissed his husband, happier than he’d ever been in his life, and it was all because of the man he was in his arms. He was in love and married to the man he was in love with. Life couldn’t be better.

Tony awoke with a smile on his face. He was happy. He’d never thought about marriage before in his life, but then again, he’d never thought he’d be in love at all, so marriage shouldn’t be that much more of a leap. He wouldn’t say anything just yet. They’d just gotten back together. It was too soon to be talking about or even thinking about getting married. For now, he was just happy to have Steve back in his arms.

His eyes opened wide, Steve wasn’t in his arms. He turned his head and didn’t see his lover beside him in the bed either. Steve was gone. Tony’s heart jumped up into his throat. He felt as though he was going to choke on it. He literally felt the bile creep up into his passage ways and he was sure he was going to lose everything he couldn’t remember eating. Is this what panicking was? He didn’t know. All he knew was Steve was gone and he had no idea where he had gone to.

Throwing himself out of the bed, he didn’t even bother putting on anything to wear. He had to find Steve. There was no way he’d just leave without saying anything. Or would he? Did Steve feel reconciliation was the wrong thing to do and bolt on him? Tony didn’t want to believe that it was possible, but he should have known that it was too good to be true. Steve was scared. Tony knew that, but he’d still gotten his hopes up.

“Steve?” He ran out of the bedroom and down the stairs, looking around the penthouse for him. “Steve?” Not finding him anywhere, he felt the tears start to burn his eyes. Why would he just leave like this? Why couldn’t he have at least woken him up, and said “Sorry, Tony. I just can’t do it.” Like that would really have made this hurt even less, but at least he would have had the opportunity to try to beg Steve to stay. He’d make all the promises in the world to make him stay, and he’d mean every single syllable.

Slapping his hand down on the intercom panel, Tony yelled into the dead air, “Jarvis, where is Steve?”

It took a few moments before Jarvis’ voice filled the speakers to reply (annoying Tony beyond belief), sleep wrapped around each word. “I do not know, Sir.”

“What the hell kind of answer is that?” Tony barked, heading back upstairs to put something on. He couldn’t run down to Steve’s apartment naked. Well, he could, it was his building, he could do whatever he wanted, but still, he opted to get dressed. “Just find him, Jarvis! NOW!”

__________________________________

Steve opened the door to the penthouse expecting it to be silent, instead he heard Tony yell and his bare ass vanish into the bedroom. Steve would have found that comical, if he wasn’t so worried about that yell. He hadn’t heard what he was yelling about so he walked up the stairs to investigate.

Tony was throwing clothing on frantically when Steve looked into the bedroom. “Going somewhere?” he asked, watching Tony trying to button his jeans.

Tony jumped when Steve spoke and grabbed his heart. “Jesus Christ, are you trying to give me a heart attack?”

“Sorry,” Steve said, moving into the bedroom, “didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Scare me! Holy shit, Steve, you nearly gave me a heart attack.” Tony said, clutching at his chest.

“I’m really sorry, Tony, I thought you heard me come in.” Steve knelt down in front of Tony who’d settled himself on the bed. His pants were only half on and the shirt he had tried to put on hung around his neck, one arm in a sleeve, the other hanging free.

“What do you think went through my mind when I woke up and you weren’t where you should have been?” Tony ran his hands through his hair, making it stick up even more than it already was. “Steve, I’m sorry I pressured you, I swear on everything that I find holy, or important, that I will never do it again. I can’t lose you again. You have to know how sorry I am, about everything. Oh God, you’re not having second thoughts are you? Where were you? Why weren’t you in the bed when I woke up?” Tony’s breathing was heavy and his body was shaking. “I can’t lose you, not again. Please. Please tell me you aren’t leaving.” Tony put his head between his legs and took a few deep breaths.

Steve watched silently as Tony had his panic attack, the sadness at knowing it was his fault tore at him like a pack of wild dogs thirsting for blood. “I’m not going anywhere, Tony.” Steve said, running his fingers through Tony’s hair. “I was out in the stairwell, talking to Storm of all people.”

Steve kept his voice soft. “I’m sorry I made you think I left for good.” Steve couldn’t believe he’d been so careless, that he’d not even considered what Tony would think if he’d woken up and found the bed empty. He couldn’t believe he had hurt Tony so badly that that had been his only thought upon seeing that Steve was gone.

“I’m not going anywhere, Tony. I lied to you that night in my apartment. You asked me if I ever loved you, I lied. I lied so bad. I didn’t know how to say it, Tony, I didn’t know how to tell you the truth. I couldn’t say it, not then anyway. I couldn’t say it when you and I were alone, how could I say it in front of Natasha? God, I was such an idiot. I let you leave thinking I never loved you, I let you think… I don’t even know what you thought, how could I? But I do, Tony. I love you. I love you more than you could possibly know!”

Steve felt like crying, the fact that he had to explain to Tony that he lied, had to take his words back, hurt. “I didn’t want you to walk out that door, I didn’t want to never see you again. I said those things because… Because I was embarrassed. I wasn’t ready, you knew I wasn’t ready and you just kept pushing and even after you knew Nat was there, you pushed even more. I’m so sorry, Tony, I was a coward and I couldn’t admit it, not in front of her, not in front of you even. I was so willing to think you’d slept with the woman on the couch. You were so drunk already and we had a date, but when I got here and I saw that… God I’m sorry. I love you, I do. And…”

Steve took a deep breath. “If you’ll have me, I plan to spend the rest of my life making you believe that I am never going to walk away from you again. You will never wake up to an empty bed and have to worry about if I’m coming back or not. I will spend the rest of my life making sure you understand just how much I love you, how important you are to me and how I never want to let you go. You may get sick of me, but I don’t care because you are stuck with me.” Steve finished his rambling and waited for Tony to respond. His head was still between his legs.

________________________________

 

Tony sat there trying to breathe and to hear Steve’s words over the pounding drum in his inner ear. He had listened to every word Steve had said, but after the panic attack he’d just suffered after finding his side of the bed empty, Tony had to rearrange his thought process and let his heart listen instead of his head.

He knew that Steve wouldn’t have reconciled with him had he not meant all the words he’d spoken to him since the restaurant earlier. But the words that stuck in his ears, and that he had playing on loop over the rhythm of the drum in his ear, was the words he’d spoken about loving him.

It was not hearing those words, begging for the feelings that were behind those words, and not getting them that had ended what they had had before that made them that much more poignant, more meaningful. He’d wanted to hear those words for the longest time. And before that night, the many months he’d been feeling it and doing his best to show him how he felt, the words he was saying now meant the world to him.

But he could still remember when he’d realized he was in love with him. He’d remembered sitting on the couch watching a movie. He remembered the movie too. He remembered the passion between the characters, forced to hide their love from the world, but it didn’t keep them from feeling it. Tony had looked over to Steve who had been laying in his arms. He was so beautiful, the blue light from the wall television causing Steve’s already heroic features to seem to be all the more dauntless.

Steve worked for Shield and prior to that he was a valiant army captain. He shouldn’t be afraid of anything, but Tony knew he had one fear. He was scared to death that someone, anyone, was going to find out about the two of them. Tony had spent many nights convincing him that it was just the two of them, that no one would ever know about them, that he had nothing to worry about.

But it was at that moment, in the azure glow of the tv’s glow that lit the room that Tony realized it wasn’t enough for him anymore. He realized right then that he was in love with Steve. He realized he wanted it all with him, and he was not the type of person who had feelings. Steve was the only relationship he’d ever had, and he wasn’t even sure where it had come from. They’d been together for years now. Before him, Tony rarely had a repeat performance, and never anyone he woke up to in the morning.

But Steve had become that person in Tony’s life that he wanted there forever. They had only been friends when they started this escalated level of their relationship, but Tony was sure that’s what made falling so easily. He was in love and he wanted the whole world to see it, but he knew Steve well enough that he couldn’t just come out with it out of the blue, Steve would leap off the couch and bound toward the door if he said anything.

So Tony had started slowly the next time they were out to dinner. He had been talking about how nice it would be to be able to reach across the table and take his hand. Steve hadn’t said anything, instead only looking down at the menu and talking about what he had wanted to eat. Tony had caught the blush on his lover’s cheeks. He loved watching Steve blush for him.

He had dropped subtleties like that here and there over the next few months, but Steve wasn’t having any of it. And when Tony had said he’d loved him the first time, he’d gotten no response.They’d been lying in bed and Tony had been working on his StarkTouch. Steve was falling asleep and Tony recommended he put down his sketchpad so he could get some sleep.

Steve had agreed, but had been too tired to really do much more than turn over. Tony had taken his pencil and pad from him, brushing his lips across his forehead to tell him good night when the words flowed from his lips. But Steve hadn’t made any indication that he’d heard Tony’s words. Instead of waking him, he let his lover sleep.

Tony hadn’t said it again until the blow up in Steve’s apartment. He had been trying for so long to get Steve to accept the relationship they were in and to be able to be open with it, but at what cost? All those months since then spent alone, both of them miserable. But now they were back together, and Steve had just said he was in love with him. Steve had actually said those three little words.

Looking up at Steve, Tony swallowed hard, the beating in his ears had finally subsided and he could now breathe properly. His lips curled into a slight smile and Tony reached out, cupping his lover’s face in his hand. All his words had warmed over him like a comforting blanket, just what he’d needed to settle his panicking heart.

“What took you so long?” Tony joked, but only slightly. Pulling him closer, he let his lips press to Steve’s, kissing him gently, their lips softly brushing together.

Steve smiled at him. “Why don’t we get these off and go back to bed?”

Tony looked down at himself and saw the state of his clothes. “Wow!” He chuckled at himself.

“Let me help.” Steve pulled Tony to his feet and started with the shirt, pulling it off his arm and over his head before ducking down and pulling Tony’s jeans off completely, leaving the clothes on the floor in a pile. Looking back up at him and coming to stand in front of him, Steve smiled again. “Back to bed?”

Taking his hand, Tony pulled him back to the bed. “Let me help you now.” Tony started to undress Steve, pushing what he’d put on before going out to the stairwell to talk to ... He paused, shirt halfway over Steve’s head. “Why in the hell were you out talking to Johnny Storm?”

Steve chuckled and let Tony pull his shirt be over his head. “Because he and Clint know a thing or two about denying feelings and hiding relationships.”

Tony hummed and nodded his head, before unbuttoning Steve’s pants and pushing them down. He supposed Steve had a point, Clint and Johnny did know how to hide their relationship, but then again so did Bruce and Thor. Fuck, all their friends were busy hiding in closets, Tony couldn’t understand how he’d never noticed it before. Natasha and Bucky had been the only ones not hiding their relationship.

“Did the overgrown boy wonder help give you any insight?” Tony asked, his words slightly cooler than normal. He really didn’t like Johnny, he couldn’t help it.

“Actually, yeah,” Steve said, toeing off his shoes and stepping out of his pants. “He was actually really helpful. You should thank him the next time you see him.” He pulled Tony down on to the bed with him.

Tony scoffed. Right, like he was going to thank Johnny Storm for anything. Maybe he’d thank the fly boy if he took a leap off a building… No that was mean, he didn’t dislike Johnny that much.

“I’m serious.” Steve said, pulling Tony against him and wrapping his body around him.

Tony liked the way they fit together. Steve was taller and Tony found it easy to just melt into him and relax. “So am I,” Tony mumbled, feeling the emotions drain out of him as he lay against Steve’s bare chest. Once relaxed, Tony could feel sleep pulling him back under.

“I don’t know if I could have told you I loved you, if it weren’t for Johnny.” Steve said softly.

Tony nearly missed it in the haze of sleep. “Hmm, maybe I will thank the fly guy.” Tony said.

Steve kissed the back of Tony’s head. “I love you,” he mumbled, his lips right next to the shell of Tony’s ear.

“Love you too,” Tony said before closing his eyes and losing himself to the feeling of Steve’s arms around him and a dreamland filled with endless possibilities for the two of them.


End file.
